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42. Dear Dr. Smith
A single woman who is a member of the Church Board reported to her Pastor that she was pregnant. She told him however, not to worry because she was artificially inseminated. What should be the response of the Pastor, the Board, and the Church? Eagerly awaiting your response.
Dear Eagerly Awaiting,
There is no question that this is a complicated question with biological, ethical, moral, psychological and spiritual implications. There is no one answere that will please everyone, but let me give it my best shot. Also, at the end of my answer, please view some of the responses I got to this question from some of my Facebook friends.
What are the Biological Implications?
To improve one’s odds of becoming pregnant, a doctor probably will give a fertility drug before administering artificial insemination. The literature is replete with articles relating to multiple pregnancies as a result of intra-uterine insemination and fertility drug. One research indicates that intra-uterine insemination resulted in a 22% increase in twin births, a 4% increase in triplets, and a 3% increase in the number of quadruplets born to couples who undergo this procedure. In other words, while the individual maybe thinking of having only one child, there is a possibility that things could be different
What are the Ethical implications?
One of the ethical standards that Clinicians are governed by is called, Non-maleficence, that is to say, “do no harm.”
Parents have that ethical responsibility as well. Before bringing a child into the world they must decide not to “do harm” to the child. A single lady producing a child through the process of artificial insemination is inadvertently planning to do some harm to the child after birth.
1. To definitely make plans to become a single mother, is knowingly depriving the child of a father. (See the research on children of father absent homes)
2. Every child deserves a fair chance of having a father to grow up with.
3. How will the child trace his/her full genealogy?
4. Will the mother carry her documents with her all the times to prove to others that she did not commit fornication?
5. If the child is a girl and later decides to get marry, why should her mother determine before hand that her “give away father” must be “a give away relative or friend?”
What are the Moral Implications?
Every Christian will have to learn to restrain his passions and be controlled by principle. Unless he does this, he is unworthy of the Christian name. [1MCP 230.3] It is her moral responsibility to restrain her desires, especially because she is accountable to the household of faith. What does she say to young people? Is she providing a moral platform on which other single ladies can stand? Would everyone believe her story? What about non-believers, would they know or understand her situation? (WWJD) What would Jesus do?
What are the Psychological Implications?
It is one thing for a child to not know his or her biological father, it is quite another thing to conceive of your father as non-existing. In other words, it is easier for a child to digest this fact, “my father exist, even though I don’t know him, however, if I go searching I may find him” than to digest, “my father does not exist, he has never existed as a person for my mother, therefore, it makes no sense to go searching for him.” One statement provides hope the other destroys hope.
What are the Spiritual implications?
When David committed his double sin of murder and adultery, the prophet Nathan visited him and said to him, “because by this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme.” (2Sam 12:14)
Sometimes the Church has to take action, not because it does not have a redeemable mission, but that some actions committed by members, if not acted upon, can “give great occasion to the enemies of the Lord to blaspheme.” Therefore, if a member of the Church board reported to the pastor that she was pregnant as a result of artificial insemination. The pastor, after ascertaining the facts, should take the matter to the Church board. The board should relive her of her responsibilities as an officer, and the Church should accept the action of the board without criticism for or against.
Face book responses: (Unedited)
No sex no sin. (DC)
I take that back this issue seems very complex being that our bodies are temples please disregard my previous answer (DC)
My questions are: where is the Bliblical support for this? What will she tell the child and explain who the father is and how she became pregnant? I think the issues are complex, morally and spiritually, and maybe ethically. I have no ready answer for this. This debate has been going on for more than 20 years. (CL)
A few points to ponder. First, does the Bible teach that children are to be family born? If so, how would this conform?
Second, does the Bible teach that we should not conform to the world but be transformed by the renewing of the mind? If so, how do her actions conform to this teaching of scripture?
Third, if scripture teaches that whether we eat or drink or whatsoever we do should be done to God's glory, how is God glorified in this scenario or is it someone else who is being glorified and/or satisfied in the matter?
Four, I have operated on the principle that sometimes it is not what we do that may be wrong, but why we do what we do. Her motive for doing this in light of scriptural teaching has to be the guide here, don't you think? (BM)
Only married couples (Man and Woman) are suppose be fruitful and multiply. Leave their parents home and become one and then have children. Only Mary was excused from that command. She should have adopted. (CL)
If she was indeed artificially inseminated I don't see what's the problem with the church after [all] wasn't Mary the Mother of Jesus artificially inseminated, and they are so many kids out hear who don't know who their fathers are and they do very well (CM)
That does not mean it is right! (CL)
Since there is (of course) no Biblical precedent for handling this matter (insemination) and she is already pregnant the same censure for pregnancy out of wedlock should apply. Tact and love should motivate our response always. (IL)
Much prayer should be sent up for divine intervention. She should not be look down on with disdain. She should be treated with love by the pastor and the church members. She should be removed from the church board, because of the sensitivity of the issue and possible repercussions. The young girls and young ladies of the church should be counseled about the importance of allowing God's will to be done in their lives to prevent future copy cats (SG)
The whole reason, as I understand it, that the church takes issue with single women who become pregnant is because they had sex outside of marriage. This lady did not have a sexual relationship that led to her pregnancy. I honestly don't understand why there should be an issue. I have several friends in my peer group who have not gotten married for a myriad of reasons, but they wanted to raise a child so they chose artificial insemination. In some cases they knew the donor, in others they didn't. Instead of condemnation, this sister needs prayer and support as she raises this child. I believe that she can be a role model for young ladies about how to make responsible decisions, instead of sleeping around and then being stuck with an "accident." (LM)
This is very deep (SF)
God's Ideal for children is that they be brought up in a family setting of Father and Mother. If it were just for child bearing only, God could have created women to self impregnate. But God created male and female to bond in marriage and then be fruitful and multiply, hence I think it is as wrong as getting sexually involved. The other aspect is for the child growing up, seeing other children with their father and then not being able to tell who that child's father is. It can have a psychological impact on the child. The matter of the public perception on the church, is this individual going to tell everyone of the process that led to the pregnancy, everyone knows she is pregnant and single and to add to that is that as a board member she is an officer of the church!
How do you explain and justify to youth? Some may not even believe that explanation and this is the most critical aspect for the Pastor and the board. My humble opinion is in a loving manner the church must treat it as a pregnancy under normal circumstances. I don't think that the immaculate conception of Jesus should be used to give authority to artificial insemination. It is a technical situation and needs God's intervention to be handled tactfully and guard against serious controversy in the church. (TG)
Wow Doc, this is tough topic. There are many implications to this scenario, but I do believe she should step down from her position on the board. Even though her intentions may be right & well meaning, staying in active leadership might be a stumbling block to others. We have to be careful that in pursuing our own desires & aspirations, we don't compromise God's specific intention for His children. Not everything that is accepted in the world is acceptable for Christians'. Having said that, since she has already made the decision to bring a child into this world alone, she will have to deal with the consequences of her decision. (CRAG)
Well there’s not much they can do in terms of punishment because she didn’t break d law physically. However, Gods ideal for rearing children is not in single parenting but a nuclear family. God is all wise and He created man to reproduce through sexual intercourse and therefore, artificial insemination is not God's ideal. By d way who's sperm is it, a murderer, a rapist, a ......... any way its easier to bear children than to rear them and I know that a single woman can never play the true role of a father. It’s also unfair to d child......... (GG)
It is the lord’s intention that children be brought up in the ideal home. However this woman has not sinned against God as such I personally do not think she needs to step down.
I don't think it’s wrong in the same sense of being sexually involved. But my mind goes back to Abraham and his wife trying to help out God. Maybe her having a child isn’t the lord's will for her life. But how many times do we find our self "helping" out God. Have we in our situation sinned?
Should we step down? what’s the difference with this woman?
Don't get me wrong I am not justifying whether or not artificial insemination is wrong or right. I am just saying that it is the 21st century; it is time that the church read the fine print, read between the lines, as sin and ethical and moral dilemmas are more complex than before. Our approach cannot be one of ignorance and be quick to judge , we need to seek the throne of God and ask for direction to solve these challenging questions. (YK)
It's not our place to judge this young lady's decision to become a single mother, plus we are sinners SAVED by grace. Let's be supportive and help her raise this baby. The deed is already done.... so glad god is not like man. (JH)
It better she be artificially inseminated than be impregnated by the pastor or a church member. Love!!! Love !! (MH)
Another thought, we should think about what Jesus would do and seek our guidance from him. Personally, I believe Jesus would not put her down or kick her out of the church. I think we should FIRST seek to understand before we past judgment. Nonetheless, I do agree that it might not be appropriate for her to continue in her role, as it might send the wrong message to the young adults. But, please leave the judgment to GOD and let he or she that is without sin cast the first stone. (JH)
Ethical and moral boundaries??? I can't pretend to have the answer...What comes with the " increase of knowledge" that God has blessed us with? Research, technology,.... Be it artificial insemination, blood transfusion, stem cell transplant, heart transplant, etc. By the way, I haven't heard the real story. Why did she decide to do artificial insemination? Not casting a singe stone! Interesting debate! (AK)
Apart from the Pastor's duty to verify the veracity of the method of conception, this is a question of the Church's response to the larger issue of reproductive technology. The Bible is compatible with scientific advances, given that God is the source of both. Biblical ethics must be our guide. (RB)
I believe that the question of the "artificial insemination" must be answered without any doubt before we delve into the ethics around reproductive technologies. I am aware of a similar story where it turned out that the only artifice was in the explanation offered by the woman; the child was actually conceived normally and the artificial insemination story was concocted as a "panic" cover story. (RB)
Alanzo, your question boggles the mind, and I am trying to think through the boggles.
MH, I am trying to understand your comment that “It better she be artificially inseminated than be impregnated by the pastor or a church member.”
I hope you are not suggesting that the deposits of Pastors and church members are of any lesser quality than that of an anonymous donor. That would be very unkind.
On a serious note though M, the question raised is a serious one, and I have noted that quite a number of the responses, like yours, have been well considered and expressed.
On a less serious note, I do recall an unmarried deaconess at a certain church who was called before the board to explain her pregnancy. She of course was even more flabbergasted than they were, because as she confessed, she had "not known any man".
During the board's deliberation on this very complex development, it suddenly occurred to the deaconess, that she could have been inadvertently been artificially inseminated on one occasion when, because of an emergent call of nature, she had to use a male toilet at a public establishment. She conjectured that when she sat on the toilet seat, she may have inadvertently acquired a sperm deposit, which may have been transferred to a convenient conduit while she was having her bath, thus initiating the pregnancy. The mostly untutored board members, refused to buy that argument and voted to recommend to the church, that they withdraw from her, the right hand of fellowship.
The church will be facing an increasing incidence of " artificially inseminated" members, as single women increasingly reject their reproductive disenfranchisement, which has been normative.
I personally think that the church should take a stand against artificial insemination. This because it can lead to the redundancy of the male and perhaps even his extinction. Men should go on strike, and refuse to make any further deposits in any sperm bank, because by spilling their seeds to make such deposits , they sow the seeds of their own redundancy. If the current pattern continues on its current trajectory, eventually, women will simply establish semen farms, with only tall, dark, handsome , broad shouldered & small bottomed men to fill some tubes periodically with their produce. The whole concept of oneness and the practice of sexual congress could atrophy and die and the diversities to which we are accustomed would disappear.
The church in examining this fundamental issue, needs to ask itself this fundamental question “ what is the benefit, if any, of ‘artificial’ over ‘natural’ insemination. It would seem to me that someone who practices ‘artificial’ insemination', by that very act creates a psychic deficit. It does so, in the sense that it deprives the recipient of the insemination, of the pleasurable memories of conception to which she is entitled. Such memories, I warrant, are invaluable in the conditioning of the mind for parenting, and in bestowing upon the child the love and affection it deserves. God’s exquisite design, engineering, and parasympathetic conditioning of the neural features of the reproductive system is intentional. It is a memory creating vehicle. It is a talent bestowed for the creation of memories, and we must be faithful in its exercise. The rejection of the provisions by which these memories are created, in order to achieve an “artificial insemination” constitutes an affront to the creator. Such an affront should censurable. It ought not to be beyond us, Alanzo, to find a suitable way to naturally inseminate those who wish to be inseminated. (GW)
If artificial insemination is wrong because children should be brought up in a family unit, and it was the lord's intention for children to be born to married men and women. Then a single women should not adopt a child. In this sense it's just as "wrong" as Artificial insemination, don't you think? (YK)
Reproductive technologies cover a wide spectrum such as in-vitro fertilization, surrogate gestation, artificial insemination and even abortion. "Right" and "Wrong" seem somehow less than precise in describing any activity in these areas.
Given the context of a post-Eden world full of sin, what is right and what is wrong? We have children conceived in wonderful Christian families who are born with debilitating conditions that tax families to the limit. These conditions are not my God's will and do not reflect an Edenic state, yet we must love and care for the children so afflicted.
My point is that not all "naturally occurring" things are ordained by God and not all products of human imagination are evil. Our ethical analysis must go deeper than "right" or "wrong". (RB)
N.B. Please note theat these responses from my FB friends do not necessarily reflect the thinking and beliefs of The Greater New York Conference of Seventh-day Adventist or it's Family Ministries Director Alanzo Smith. Thank you FB friends for your contributions.
41. Dear Dr. Smith,
I was wondering how you interpret 1 Corinthians 7:10 "And unto the married I command, [yet] not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from [her] husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to [her] husband: and let not the husband put away [his] wife." As I interpret it, it leaves room for being separated, or even divorced, if there isn't adultery, as long as the wife does not remarry. Is this an accurate interpretation?
Dear Lady Seeking Separation
Yes, that is true, except the part about divorce, there is no room for divorce in 1Cor. 7:10, and the text is not as simple as you are making it out to be. A separation should only come if both, or at least one party has tried desperately to save the marriage. Trying here means seeking professional help.
Now if I am wrong please forgive me, but I believe you have made up your mind to be separated from you husband and so it does not matter what I say, you will continue your search until you find someone who will justify your desire. In that case, stop your searching and just do what you feel justified to do.
Your questions (both past and present) are not in the realm of, how can I make my home a better home? How can my husband be helped? How can we save this marriage? What will be the emotional health of the children? But instead, you are searching for texts and or reasons for separation or divorce. Well, why are you then going through all this trouble of asking more questions? Obviously, you are not satisfied with the ones I gave before. If your conscience sets you free, then you are free in deed.
It makes no sense to respond to this question in detail, because if you don't get what you are looking for, you will just not agree with my answer. So, have a great day and may God keep blessing.
Dr. Smith.
40. Dear Dr. Smith,
As a follow up to my first question on polygamy, so does this mean if you are a second wife that God doesn’t bless your marriage and what about the children?
The Children are victims of their parent’s decision to go against the word of God. Sometimes the sins of the parents visit the children and sometimes God winks at them. Only God knows how he will treat those situations. There are many children who are born out of wedlock, but it does not mean that God has put a curse on them.
The question of a second marriage is quite something else. It's like you are asking me, dose God bless an alcoholic? Or Does God bless a fornicator? God blesses all of His children, however, when they knowingly do wrong, then there are consequences. There has to be a standard in marital relationships and God has already set that standard, it's not for you or me to re-define it, but to accept it and to accentuate it. I hope this answers your question.
Blessings.
39. Dear Dr. Smith,
I would like to know what the Bible says about second wives! Please let me know.
I am from xxxx and here we have a lot of polygamous marriages. I would just like to know if the Bible condones it or not and would you advice it for a single woman?
Dear Single Woman.
Thanks for asking your question. I think the following text should help to give you an answer to your question.
1 Tim 3: 2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;
PS: This is one of the requirements of becoming a bishop
Titus 1: 6 If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly
PS: In this case the text is generalizing, that is to say, all Christians.
While it is true that polygamy was practice in the Old Testament and is still today in some parts of the world, the New Testament era did usher in an age of “one woman to one man” for marriage.
If you examine Paul's discussion carefully in Eph 5, you will see this “one woman to one man” concept.
v. 22: Wives submit yourself unto your own husbands-- (not husband)--for it's a general statement to all wives
v. 23: For the husband is the head of the wife-- (not wives) this is a singular statement meaning one man to one woman
v. 25: Husbands, love your wives-- the sentence is plural because he is speaking to all husbands and wives
v. 31: For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother and shall be joined unto his wife.. (not wives)
v: 33: Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself;
and the wife see that she reverence her husband. (Again notice that the text is in the singular)
I could not advise polygamy for a single woman or for any person for that matter, since it is against the will of God. I must admit that I cannot fully explain why it was accepted, for the most part, in the Old Testament, but I do know that Jesus came and gave us a new standard to live by. May God bless as you as you do what is right
Dr. Smith
38. Dear Dr. Smith
I have a friend, who he and his girlfriend are intimate with each other, but they never go all the way. They both have the will not to go all the way, meaning actual intercourse, and that is going well for some time now but they make out fairly heavy.
Is it wrong to have heavy making out even though no actual intercourse takes place?
Thank you in advance for your response.
Dear Friend with a Friend,
Your friend and his girlfriend are committing fornication. The Bible speaks of “lust of the heart” this is “fornication of the heart”. But what do you mean when you say that they make out fairly heavy? Does this mean that either or both reached orgasm frequently? Dose it mean oral sex? Doses it mean masturbating in front of each other or fondling each other? Just what is making out heavy?
Did you say that they both have the “will” not to go all the way? Well, is it possible that they could have the “will” by the grace of God, not to begin the journey at all and wait on marriage? And did you say that this has been “going well” for some time now? Maybe you meant, this has been going “BAD” for some time now in the eyes of God. Remember, the Apostle Paul says, whatsoever you do, do ALL to the honor and glory of God.
You did not say weather or not your friends are engaged, but it does not matter, engaged or not, there is a strong likelihood that this relationship will not translate into marriage, and if it did, they will be having problems. These two individuals need to start respecting themselves, respecting each other and most of all respecting their God.
Please tell your “FRIEND” I say stop it. Oh! by the way, I do think you are that FRIEND!!!!!
37. Dear Dr. Smith
Is a bad marriage better than a good divorce?
Thanks to those of you who responded to this question. (you can read those responses immediately after my response) I promised that I would eventually give my input in the debate. Well, here it is...
I must say that I am in support of what most of you have said. Having dealt with a number of marital issues and understanding the complexity of some of them, I agree that sometimes a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. Let me try and clarify quickly. I am not advocating for divorce, however, there are some dehumanizing situations that go against the will of God, that call for a separation or possible divorce.
For example, physical abuse, anger, pornography, incest, incrassation, etc. Some of these behaviors and or their consequences, have long lasting physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual implications for the children and even the spouse. Sometimes, "if your right hand offends you, you have to cut it off." (i.e., after you have done everything possible to save the marriage, including getting pastoral and professional help)
No one has the full answer as to what is God’s will for a really bad marriage except God Himself. I therefore rest each case in His hands. By the way, my response in not an argument for re-marriage but an argument against a very bad marriage.
If you disagree with me feel free to write to me, I promise that I will respond to your disagreement.
Responses so Far:
The best divorce is the one you get before marriage!
What kind of problems does a marriage have to be having to be considered "bad"? Abuse, violent rage, lack of trust, basic needs un-provided for, disregard for the basic marriage vows, constant unrelenting adulterous behavior, nightly un-provable rape? Then ANY divorce would be better than THAT. God hates divorce. It is not His ideal for man. However, neither was multiple marriages or slavery. Having compassion for the hardness of sinful men, He allowed us divorce. In the NT, a woman may leave her husband (and not lose God's favor) if she would remain unmarried.
I don’t know Doc. Why stay in a bad marriage and continue suffering?
A GOOD DIVORCE IS BETTER THAN A BAD MARRIAGE..
Really????!!!! I don't Agree. It's not good for anybody, especially the children. To wake up every day unhappy And miserable can't be the better way. Divorce shouldn't be the first, second or fiftieth resort but if after outside intervention and much prayer. If this is not working then YES, a good divorce is better than a bad marriage. Or at least a separation.
I agree with xxxxx, pastor what do u say?
I strongly disagree with ur, un-happily ever after?
Hummmmm, that's an interesting question...I definitely want to know your take on that.
I'm not marriage expert, as you know we've only been married for 3 1/2 yrs....I guess if there's kids involved and a marriage very dysfunctional parents can do more damage to their kids if they stay together without working out their issues. So in that case a bad marriage is not better than a good divorce. However, if a couple can work through their issues than a bad marriage can become a good one and never end in divorce.
Ok, ok, so what's your take? (FB Response)
I don't think there is something like a good divorce. I think by Gods grace a bad marriage can turn around! (FB Response)
Marriage is made in heaven, there is never a bad marriage, only a bad situation, that is the reason why we have to put God first in our lives, because there is never a good divorce. (FB Response)
Divorce can be compared to death an eternal separation, and so can a marriage (bad) and I interpret bad in the sense that both parties are just there; no communication in fact where there once was life it's death. Conclusion both ... death. (FB Response)
Speaking as someone who has experience a bad marriage and a "good" divorce, I have to disagree with that statement. I strongly believe in the institution of marriage, but not at the risk of physical and mental health or safety of an individual. Blanket statements like this can put many women at risk of losing their lives and/or endangering their children.
In my situation I was never physically abused, however I was definitely emotionally abused. My ex husbands sexual addictions and lies were also intensifying and becoming more difficult to hide. My body was starting to crack under the pressure and financially we had nothing left and we were getting deeper and deeper in debt. On the flip side, now I am almost never sick, I will be completely debt free by the end of this summer and I have more money saved then I ever had when I was married. I am not a divorce promoter, however I don't think that blanket statements like that can work in every situation. (FB Response)
Hmm! A bad marriage if there are children, could perpetuate trouble for the next generation. But what constitutes a bad marriage? I think a 'good' divorce could
create a cycle for the next generation also. Whichever way you take it, someone gets messed up. (FB Response)
No marriage could be bad if entrusted with God... And we as Christians, divorce has never been an option however bad a marriage may get, save if one of the parties to the marriage involves in an adulterous affair....that’s what I think. (FB Response)
I thinks it better to have a bad marriage than a divorce as one day it may get better and not worse. Like xxxxx said, divorce is death eternal. With help, the help of God the marriage can work out. So I don't think a divorce is necessary.
Every situation is different. Going straight to God's Word will give the answer for every situation. I have seen the most ghastly marriages healed, and ones that did not appear to be in much trouble, end up in divorce. In cases of divorce among Christian husband & wife - without adultery - well the bible says no remarriage. So life alone it is...
There is no such thing as a “bad marriage”. Marriage is a gift from God. He ordained it from the beginning (Genesis 2:24), therefore if is not bad, there is only bad people in marriages. There is no such thing as a “good divorce”. God is good and anything that He is in is good also. It is written in Malachi 2:16 “For the LORD God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,” Therefore, He would not be pleased when a man or a woman takes it upon themselves to break apart something He has joined together. Marriage is good, it is an institution ordained by God. It is Holy. Do not try to make it unholy!
Wow, I like it, this is deep, what about being unequally yoked.. Would this ever class as a bad marriage or would God still expect us to make the best of our vows to Him?
What about a professed Christian trying to kill his spouse...
36. Dear Dr. Smith
Thanks for your response. It was just a feeling… there is absolutely no “hanky panky” going on between me and my first ex-wife. We only had conversations.
But what about my prospects for getting married again (to anyone) since my 2nd wife left me and we got divorced? She chose to leave me so does that condemn me to being alone?
Dear No Hanky Panky,
I am please to hear that there is no hanky panky going on between you and your first ex-wife, and that it was just a “feeling” I had, a bad one too. However, the thoughts you expressed, suggest that your mind was not running in the right direction. When you do have to talk to her again, focus on issues relating to the children.
Your prospect of getting re-married, Biblically speaking is “Nil.” You see, your divorce was not on scriptural grounds. I believe God in His infinite wisdom made the exceptive clause in Matt 19: 9, because He knew that people would want to break their marriages for any and every reason.
Marriage is a serious, sacred thing, and should not be entered into wantonly or flippantly. Here you are talking about a 3rd marriage and you are just a young man. At this rate when you reach my age you would have gone through 10 or more marriages.
I know that this may sound hard, but it is God who made the rules, I am just explaining them. On a note of caution, I am aware of many people who have been divorced and re-married and it’s not according to the word of God. But remember, that does not make it right, and they will have to answer in the day of judgment. A word to the wise is sufficient.
God bless.
Dr. Smith.
35. Dear Dr. Smith
I was married for several years and had children with my wife. She had an affair with a friend in the church. After months in counseling we got divorced because I did not believe she was really sorry and was still making excuses for it. She remarried and then I remarried. She also had another child with her new husband. After just a few years my second wife walked out and divorced me because she “just wasn’t happy”. Seven or eight years have passed since my first wife and I got divorced and we have both been through a lot and, I think [I have] grown a lot spiritually. While her new husband has not “been a bad guy” she and I both wished we had not divorced. Is there any biblical support for us getting remarried if she decided to end her current marriage? What do you think Jesus would do in this situation? I am really struggling. Thank you for any thoughts.
Dear Struggling Friend,
Your story is as strange as they come, it sounds like a jigsaw puzzle.
Let’s see if we can put the pieces together;
1. Your first wife had an affair, you tried counseling, it did not work, hence you got a divorce. Biblically speaking you have grounds for this. (Matt 19:9 & 5:32)
2. She remarried. At this point she is committing adultery (Mk 10:12, because she is the guilty party.
3. You got married after her. You second marriage is according to scripture.
4. After a few years of marriage, your second wife walked out on you and divorced you. There is no Biblical grounds for this divorce.
5. While her [i.e. your first ex-wife] new husband is not a bad guy we both wished we had not divorced. I can understand your wish, but it is not right, it is too little too late. Your re-marriage to your second wife precludes you from getting back with you first wife. Besides, she is currently married, if she breaks up with her husband “who is not even a bad man” in order to get back with you, you both would be living in sin. Read carefully Mark 10: 11-12 and Luke 16: 18
6. What do I think Jesus would do? He would adhere to teachings and principles of the Bible.
Footnote: My personal feeling from reading your question is that there is some “hanky panky” going on between you and your first ex-wife. I hope that it’s just a feeling and not a reality, because if you are interfering with her marriage that’s both morally and spiritually wrong. If she breaks up her current marriage because of you and you both get back together, it will NOT last. It’s just a matter of time, whatsoever a man soweth that shall he also reap (Gal 6:7) Stop the struggling and get your “Ex” out of your head. Move ON, it’s over, water under the bridge.
PS. Please remember there is a child involved in that marriage you may want to break up.
34. Dear Dr. Smith
I was married to my husband for over twenty years. During that time, we had children together. While I would not describe my marriage as a match made in heaven, I would say we had a pretty good life. However, later on in our marriage he started cheating on me. Eventually, he walked away from the matrimonial home, divorced me and married one of his lovers. That marriage did not last too long, as a matter of fact, he ended up in jail as a result of a marital dispute. He got bailed, and came straight to my home, claiming that he has nowhere to go. He has been there for some months now and refused to leave. I am getting ready to evict him, however, members of my church are telling me that I can’t do that as a Christian, and that I have to keep him since he has no where to go. They claimed that I have to feed the hungry, care for the sick and those in need, and that I won’t make it to heaven if I refuse to do that to him.
Please Dr. Smith, could you tell me if this is so. Is it my responsibility to care for this man who is still married to another woman? Will this prevent me from seeing God’s face when He comes?
Please answer quickly.
Dear Please Answer Quickly,
Your story is a painful one, one of unfaithfulness, betrayal, loss, abandonment and now the quizzical concern of “acceptance.” Here is my take on your situation. The fact that your husband walked out of his matrimonial home, divorced your and re-married someone else, end your obligations to him. He made a choice, a tough one, and if he made his bed hard, he just has to lie in it. (Too bad, too sad, poor lad) He should have thought of all of the implications before abandoning the wife of his youth. Since you have no moral, ethical, social or emotional reason to take him back, let’s explore the “Spiritual”.
1. As a Christian you should remember that “Meekness” does not mean “Weakness”
2. It is not your Christian duty to rescue another woman’s husband; as a matter of fact, she could charge you of having an affair with her husband.
3. If he needs help, he can go to Social Service; they offer food stamps, rent allowance, etc.
4. It is true, that we are required as Christians to help those in need, however, in this case, you have to view the situation differently. He is your ex-husband and having him around the house can create painful memories.
5. It is unfair, maybe even cruel, for others to demand of you that you keep him because he has nowhere to go. It they think it is the honorable thing to do as a Christian, why don’t they step up to the plate and demonstrate their Christianity by taking him?
6. Yes, you have to forgive as Christians, but forgiveness does not mean bringing back the aggravation in your life. You can choose to forgive and move on with your life, and you are still 100% a good Christian.
I pray that God will keep you as you navigate your Christian life, may He bless and keep you strong.
Be Corageous.
33. Dear Dr. Smith
I am the daughter of a highly functional alcoholic. I myself have a food addiction. I have issues. I have prayed, my church has prayed, my husband and mother have prayed. And I was healed! for about a moment.
Something always happens to set me back. Why isn't God helping me overcome? Why won't He just HEAL me and make me normal? My life is affecting my children, who love me soooo much. I don't want them to grow up in the shadow of this problem. I don't want them to have my "issues".
I want to say that I'll do anything to be free, but I'm not sure I know how to accept the help I would be getting. I can be a bit obstinate about having my food, even though I really want to not want it. I'm not sure I know how to live comfortably free from it. I just want Him to heal me. What else can I do?
My Dear Friend,
You cannot have it both ways. You can’t want healing form a sickness and love the cause of the sickness. I cannot want to prevent developing lung cancer, but love the taste of cigarettes. I cannot hate being an alcoholic yet love to drink alcohol. I will have to make a tough choice, as the Bible says, “ye cannot serve God and mammon.”
You said you were healed for about a moment. I do not know if that was said facetiously, however, please remember this maxim, “once healed does not mean always healed.” There are certain elements that cause sickness and weakness, and if once healed from these, we returned to old habits, there is nothing to say that the sickness or weakness will not return, even if it was God who did the healing in the first place. That’s why each time Jesus healed someone He admonished them, “go and sin no more.”
Your last paragraph suggest that you are not yet ready for the change you desire, until then, no praying, no fasting, no clinical intervention will work. It must first start with your willingness to deny yourself of that which you may love the most, seek clinical help and rely on God's power to keep you strong.
God bless.
32. Dear Dr. Smith,
I have a question for you. My husband and I have been doing some self-analysis recently. He told me just yesterday that he is codependent. I went online to find out exactly what that meant. There was a great deal of talk about "helping others" and "sacrificing one's own needs for everyone else". According to these terms, I would also be codependent, more so than my hubby. For clarity, I'd like your understanding. Are these terms we should apply to ourselves as Christians and therefore seek help, or are we victims of the world's once again making the right seem wrong?
Dear Friend
Thanks for asking your question. Concerning your husband's self-diagnosis, I am not sure I know what to say. It's like someone diagnosing himself saying I have cancer, and you are asking what medication you should start giving this person. A better approach would be to get a professional doing his diagnosis. There is a thing called the "placebo effect" the long and short of it is, "belief kills and belief cures" If he thinks he is co-dependent, is co-dependent, but what if he doesn't think so? The term Co-dependent is more frequently used in a clinical sense, however you seem to be applying it in a spiritual sense. So, is he spiritually co-dependent or clinically co-dependent? Please advise.
31 Dear Dr. Smith
Jacob chose Rachel for his wife. He was given Leah whom he had not chosen.
The Lord's instruction is one man one wife. Was he to blame for having had
two wives?
My dear Friend,
Polygamy in the Old Testament did not start with Jacob, but pre-dates Jacob’s time. However, in His response to the Pharisees about marriage and divorce, Jesus said, " Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female, and said, for this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh? Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. (Matthew 19:4-6)
Notice that when God created Adam, He provided him with a single wife, and there is no other evidence that Adam ever had another wife. Hence the blueprint for the marriage relationship was established.
Men like Job, Isaac, Noah and Moses, are prime examples of Old Testaments Patriarchs who had only one wife. In the New Testament the apostle Paul admonishes, “nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband (1Cor 7:2). Monogamy is again endorsed, when Paul writing to the young Timothy, gave him basic requirements for offices in the Church. "Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well." (I Timothy 3:12)
It is interesting to note that polygamy brought problems for those Old Testament men who chose to practice it. For example, Abraham had conflict because of the jealousy between Hagar and Sarah.
 Jacob had conflict between the two sisters. David did not get to build the sanctuary, (the one thing he desired most) because of his unfaithfulness, and Solomon’s downfall came as a result of his many wives.
To be specific to your question, “was Jacob to be blamed for having had two wives?” The answer is, Polygamy was never endorsed by God.
30. Dear Dr. Smith
I have been in a relationship for nine years. We are not married and still courting. That is not the problem!! The man, who I am involved with, has a daughter. She is quite disrespectful to everyone in the household. K, the daughter, is 24 years of age and acts as a 12 year old.
We have discussed her behavior many times but he does nothing. K doesn't have an active social life and likes to stay home for a FEW weeks at a time. She does not perform basic hygiene activities such as bathing, washing dishes, or cleaning the house. She doesn't work but goes to school when the mood hits!
Also, she prefers to search your personal belongings and keeps her belonging "under lock and key". If company comes over, then she prefers to stay in her room away from the company. When pressed to come out of the room, K prefers to acknowledge her father only in the room and ignores the other people. She has had jobs but they do not last beyond three months.
I am not a Doctor but I see sights of depression and other issues. The man in the relationships has another daughter and we get along. However, K constantly places her older sister in the role of matriarch. K has a healthy relationship with her hair, ONLY. It is growing very well.
What is to be done? Should I run?
Please advise!
Dear Advise Seeker,
Thank you for sharing your concerns and questions. Unfortunately, you have a wrong diagnosis of the situation. Your emphasis and concern is on K when she is the least of your problems. Remember, K is an adult, therefore she is free to choose how she wants to navigate her life and that’s really not your business. You are right about one thing, you are not a doctor and therefore, you should stay out of the diagnosis and assessment business.
Your real problem comes in the casual and complacent way you announced your relationship, and the faulty conclusion you drew. You said, “I have been in a relationship for nine years. We are not married and still courting. That is not the problem!!” Who are you fooling, yourself? You are in a relationship for nine years with a man who already has two children and you are still courting? What are you courting?
The way your email is constructed, one cannot help but conclude that you are co-habiting with this man. If this is so, don’t you think that this is a bigger problem than K’s behavior? Is it possible that part of her withdrawal is as a result of the home environment? And even if you are not living in the home, you seemed to be more present than absent.
I recommend that you consider the following questions:
1. Why are you courting for so long?
2. Who is afraid to make the commitment and why?
3. If you are co-habiting, is it possible that K is disgusted with it?
4. If your partner is not willing to relate appropriately to K now will he do it if and when you do get married?
5. Are there reasons for K to disrespect you or her father?
6. Maybe your partner does not need to commit to you in marriage because he is getting all he wants without a commitment. Something to think about.
I judge you not I just question your “nine years and counting and where you place yourself in the home”
I am etc.
Dr. Smith
29. Dear Dr. Smith
Is lust between a husband and wife ever wrong?
The dictionary defines "LUST" as intense and often excessive or unrestrained sexual abuse, an intense desire. Using this definition as a frame of reference, it may be conceivable that a husband may have excessive sexual desire. The operational word, here, though, is "extreme". Can a husband have excessive desire for his wife?
While it is expected that the passion between a husband and his wife should be "intense" and always active, it is also true that in some cases the passion dies down and the sexual activity decreases. When that happens, one spouse may experience desires that are not mutual at that moment. If that is so, then there should be dialogue with each other. Maybe the relationship needs a "boost".
However, to answer the question under discussion, it is unfortunate that a spouse would need to lust after his/her own spouse. The goal is that they are mutually supplying the sexual and emotional needs of each other and that there is open communication between them. A husband can desire his wife and may even experience intense sexual desire, but if the desire cannot be quenched or if it leads to abusive sexual experiences, then it may lead to a sexual disorder. There is a syndrome known as sexual addiction. If a husband finds that he has an EXCESSIVE appetite for sex, he should seek professional help, it could be that he has an addiction.
A couple is encouraged to bring their best self to the relationship. Each person should be attractive (meaning well groomed and appealing), observe proper hygiene, be sensitive to the needs of the other, accept the conjugal role as wholesome, and respect each other. Lust usually occurs when one desires sexual encounter he/she cannot have, for example, in an adulterous relationship. Married partners should seek to stimulate each other sexually.
28. Dear Dr. Smith
I have been married for a little over 4 years and I truly enjoy the privileges that come along with marriage. If God commands us to have sexual relations with each other in our marriage, is there such a thing as too much of this holy and intimate act? I think about my husband and his love making everyday, although we do not have relations everyday. I think about it so much so that I am starting to think that I have a problem. I love my husband dearly but I am starting to question myself, "Could I be addicted to him or the gratification that I receive from this act of love?" "Is there such a thing as "addiction" when it comes to matters of a holy act created by God?"
I love the Lord and He gratifies my every need everyday...yet I don't feel that I am addicted or ashamed of this. If the relationship to Christ and the Church is to be compared to the relationship between a husband and his wife then why is there such a vast difference in my feelings even though they both gratify me? Why do I feel so "addicted" and ashamed of loving to be loved by my husband? Also is there anything that we could be done within the act of love making that would be considered to be unholy?
Respectfully,
Addicted to Love
Dear Addicted to Love,
I am very happy that you are enjoying your marital relationship. However, there is no question that what you have described to me is the behavior of someone who is addicted to sex. Water is good for our system, but there is such a thing as drinking too much water, food is good for our system, but there is such a thing as eating too much food. And so it is with sex. Remember, true temperance is “moderate use of that which is good and total abstinence from that which is harmful”
It is quite possible that you love for your husband is superseded by your love for intimacy, and if that is the case, you will be having marital problems shortly. Besides, your husband will soon become tired of you, if your deep desire for intimacy is unquenchable. You wanted to know why there is such a vast difference between your feelings for Christ and your feelings for intimacy, and that’s easy to answer. It’s because you chose to love one more than the other.
You asked if there is anything that could be done within the act of love making that would be considered unholy and the answer is “YES”. Any form of addiction is unholy, beastly acts are unholy, the use of pornography is unholy, etc. I strongly recommend that you get some professional help if your “addictive desire for love” continues. Thanks for your question and may God give you strength to overcome.
Dr. Smith
27. Dear Dr. Smith
Let me take this chance to thank you for the great ministry you are doing especially as regards marriage issues. Today's society is bombarded with various philosophies and revolutionary arguments in regard to the entry into and sustainability of this noble institution. Thank you and God bless you.
I would like to make a brief comment on the question of prayer before sex. I am a Pastor who, in my pastoral experience, has often been asked this question and I think a little care should be taken as we answer it. Just to quote what you said "Sex in the context of marriage is beautiful and should not be confused with an intimate prayer relationship with God." Where I part with this proposition is that true sex is self-giving on both parties and will be satisfying if each look for the fulfillment of the other. As I read your response I asked myself "why do we pray before we eat?" "Why do I pray before I start my car and yet driving is not an intimate relationship with God?" If one thanks the Lord for the food already on the table, then there may be reason to thank the Lord for firstly, designing that "beautiful" act and secondly, for according the couple a type of relationship that leads to such a climactic self giving.
Secondly, the answer to this question should summon our understanding of what prayer is in connection with different modes of prayer. Prayer may be mentioned audibly or inaudibly. The fact that "sex in marriage is an appropriate act of intimacy with one’s spouse" should cause cautiousness in each as they seek to meet each other's need. Someone who has an intimate relationship with his God would not find it ridiculous to silently mention, even in the course of the act, that "Lord help me to meet his/her need."
The Christ-Church relationship that Paul uses to illustrate husband-wife relationship (Eph 5:22-28) ought to be informative in looking at this God-directed marital relationship of which sex is part. If a Christian life is a life that looks at glorification of God as the end product of every life action (1Cor 10:31) then in essence there should not be any action that will not result in intimate relationship with God. So just as prayer results in intimate relationship with God, the satisfying phenomenon at the end of the act should cause the actors to say "thank you Lord."
What I would be skeptical of would be making pre-sexual prayer mandatory for every couple just as one would make pre-driving prayer mandatory. Anything that is not spontaneously triggered by the spirit is just spiritually mechanical. However, if a couple, at the zenith of their romantic bout would feel that they throw themselves at the feet of the Creator who mandates them to have sexual relationship, why not? I wouldn't reduce this to rediculity and I would that even in the act itself they continue to be in touch with God as they seek to unselfishly fulfill each other.
Thank you
Pr. xxxxx yyyyyyyy
(Student, AIIAS)
My dear Pastor,
Thanks for your complementary statements on the work I do as a Marriage & Family Therapist. I read your response to my answer to the question should one pray before having sex. While I review your comments with amazement, I do differ with your calculated conclusion.
I think I am more inclined to go with the wisdom of Solomon, To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven… a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing… a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; (Ecc 3:1ff)
I guess one could argue that the Apostle Paul admonishes us to pray without ceasing (1Tim 2:8). However, I don’t pray when I am watching the news, but I am thankful that I have eyes to watch the news. I don’t pray when I am using the bathroom, but I am thankful to God that I can do that on my own. I don’t pray when I am listening to a joke, but I am thankful to God that I have the ability to hear, for there are millions who can’t. I don’t pray when I am handing someone a gift, but how thankful I am to God for blessing me that I can share.
Certainly, one who is married would give thanks to God in prayer for each other and for the happiness and joy they share, including their intimacy. That’s one of the reasons for having family worship and personal devotion. However, if they are to feel that they cannot kiss unless they pray, they cannot embrace unless they pray, or they cannot have intimacy unless they pray, then, that’s taking a joke to far and reduces prayer to the common denominator frivolity.
Now please do not misunderstand me, I am not saying that one should “NEVER” pray before intimacy, if such a couple chose to do so, be my guest. But in answer to the direct question that was put before me, “should one pray before having sex?” my answer still remains the same, “NO!” you don’t have to pray before having sex, neither is it a requirement, nor should one think that by not having prayer before sex, the act becomes unholy.
I guess we can agree to disagree. Thanks for your feedback and may God keep blessing your ministry.
Dr. Smith
26. Greetings to you Dr. Smith.
A friend who says you have helped her immensely in her Christian walk of faith told me about you. My name is xxxxx. I am seventeen years old coming this September and will be starting university. I got baptized in 2004 and have been in and out of church ever since.
My problem right now is, I cant seem to find my way back and I need to renew my faith but don’t know where to begin. I know that there will be a lot of pressure at the university so I want to be strengthened again.
I also have a problem with a guy that I have been courting for almost three years now. He is a Christian and we are not sexually active. He told me that he is willingly to wait on marriage and I accept that. My problem however is if it just happens. We are very close intimately and the only thing that is left for us to do is have intercourse.
What I am trying to say is, we have done everything else but have sex. A few days ago, I broke up with him by text. He texted me back saying, "ok then, I wish you the best of luck". Everyday after that I was tempted to call him back and say that I did not mean it. One day however, I did and he said that I hurt him.
Doctor, I don't want to start back this relationship but everyday I feel like I need to call him. I know that you are going to say that I am young and should be thinking about a relationship, but the damage is already done and I can't change what has happened in my past. Please help me out with this as I am in need.
Thanks in advance.
Dear Can’t Find My Way Back,
Please tell your friend that I say thanks for the compliments and that I am happy to have been of help to her.
Since your baptism you have been in and out of the Church, why not try staying in and forget about the out. You see, part of the reason for you confusion and ambivalence is that you have not settled it once and for all, that Christ will be in you the hope of glory.
Your Christianity is not something you take up and put down, but even in your greatest of trials and temptations you hold on to, knowing that He who hath begun a good thing in your will see you through to the end.
You said you couldn’t find your way back, have you tried talking with your pastor, elder or a good female friend who has high spiritual values? Have you been reading your Bible and taking time out for personal devotion? Have you been reading Messages to Young People or any other book written by E. G. White? As a Christian you can only fail when you fail to do your part and refuse to rely on God’s strength.
So I encourage you to go back to the word of God, go back to praying sincerely, go back to private and personal devotion, go back to Church and find meaning in worship as it comes through participation.
Concerning this “on and off” boyfriend of yours, you are flirting with danger, to do everything with him except sex is to set up sex for the next stage. It’s called creeping compromise. Trust me, don’t think that you are that strong, it’s just a matter of time, unless you go back to the basic of committing your life over to Christ and crate appropriate boundaries in your relationship. You did not say why you broke up with him, but something must have gone radically wrong. Whatever it is, this might be God’s warning sign for you to move on.
I guarantee you that if you try to make up with him you will pay a heavy price, you will either have to give up your body, or he will wait for the opportune time to break back your heart. One way or the other you will be hurt. The best thing to do therefore, is to move on with your life. Yes, you are right, I am going to say that you are young, and should not be this involved in a relationship, instead you should be focusing more on school and reaching your academic goal. It’s a milestone that you will need in years to come, even after this relationship is over.
So go back to God, go back to his word, and go back to your once found faith, for that is the only way you will find peace for the jangling discords of your life. Have a great day and remember to trust God to the end.
I will say a prayer for you.
Dr. Smith.
25. Dear Dr Smith.
I am a married woman for the last 14 years. My husband and I are committed Christians serving in church offices. However my marriage has never been a merry one because I married my husband when he was a smoker unknowingly. I knew about this habit the same night that we were together and agreed to marry each other. This then explains why we never had a Church wedding but a church prayer. On that night when I discovered his habit, we discussed it and he explains that it is a habit that he has been trying to stop but to no avail. All his family members do not know that he smokes including father and mother, brothers and sisters.
In my life the worst thing that I do not and cannot tolerate is smoking. We have been discussing the issue at length till he now feels offended. When we are together he doesn’t smoke. In fact I would say that he has never smoked in my presence because he tells me that he loves and respects my feelings. I have prayed about it year in year out but no change. He serves in church office because nobody knows about that habit.
Please advice because I am never happy with the smell that comes even during the intimacy time. Is there a possibility that one day he will leave the habit? Can I reveal to elders/pastor because according to the doctrines, he should not hold any office in church? I seek your advice.
Thank you and God Bless
Dear Married Woman:
Your line of reasoning and questioning fascinates me. Here are the areas of my fascination:
1. “My husband and I are committed Christians” Did you say ‘committed’? Are you for real? Committed!! Think again.
2. “I married my husband when he was a smoker unknowingly” I find that statement to be inaccurate because you did discover the habit on the night he proposed to you or you agreed to get married. Besides, you purposely did not have a Church wedding because of this fact. So the inconsistency of your statement is glaring.
3. What is a Church prayer? I thought Christian weddings were to be conducted in the holy state of a wedding ceremony. When we violate the principles the consequences are generally daunting.
4. “In my life the worst thing that I do not and cannot tolerate is smoking” Don’t you think that you are 14 years too late to be finding out this heighten level of intolerance to smoking on your part? How about finding it out on the night when you agreed to marry him? Or did you develop this intolerance after you say ‘I do”?
5. “I have prayed about it” How touching and spiritual! It’s like putting your hand in the lion’s mouth and then “pray” about it. It’s a good thing that prayer does not cover a multitude of sins only repentance.
6. “He serves in church office because nobody knows about that habit.” “NOBODY? Did you just call yourself a “nobody” or did you mean to say, he serves in Church office because I chose to condone his habit?
7. Please advice because I am never happy with the smell that comes even during the intimacy time. My dear, you have made a choice and you have to live with the choice. Despite how uncomfortable you are now claiming to be, your decision to marry was not a blind one, you were not tricked or forced. You knew the facts before saying “I do”. Now that you have said, “I do” you cannot be complaining about the facts of your choice. Stop the griping, “If you make your bed hard, you just have to sleep in it”.
Can he quit the habit? O yes he can, He can do all things through Christ who strengthens him. Does he really want to quit the habit? Well, that’s a different story. What you do and where you go from here is your choice, the one luxury you do not have in the eyes of God, is to get a divorce.
God bless.
Dr. Smith
24. Dear Dr. Smith
I met this friend in 2006, he is an endearing young man, and an Adventist, my age. He left for studies abroad and he's been coming home at least once every year since. We love each other and consider a future together, though no solid commitment from both parties so far, just expressed hopes and a shared dream.
Whenever he is at home for that one month every year, things are okay, we talk and hang out and everyone is happy. However, when he's away, there is little or no communication and I have expressed my concerns about this to which his response has been that he is sorry, he has been very busy but he will make more time. For the 3.5 years, my one cry has been communication. In the periods of silence, I have sought, prayed, fasted and tried to move on. Sometimes I think I have succeeded to get on with my life and I even stop thinking of him, but whenever he comes back into my life after even up to 8 months or a year. I can only resist him so much!!! He always manages to win me over somehow.
He was last home last month. Before then, he was the last thing on my mind because I had given up on us. Somehow, he managed to renew the dream and rekindle my love for him, apologized for disappointing me, made clear his position and intentions for us, took me home to meet his parents and I thought, the brother has finally got his act together.
Now he's gone Dr. and I get an occasional call or e-mail from him. I'm a nice person and I expect better, actually the best because I always strive to give the best. I am beginning to think this is the best he knows and honestly it's not enough and may never get to the desired level. I need to make a wise decision once and for all whether to cut my losses or stick it out...and I need divine guidance. I have been praying because sometimes I make decisions which are subjective, influenced heavily by my emotions...because I so totally love him.
I'm waiting with bated breath to hear your take on this one
Sincerely,
Flock Member
My dear Flock Member,
You have the answers to your questions but you are afraid to give them to yourself. So what you are asking of me is to validate your answer, and that I will. There is an old adage that says, "misery likes company." In your case, you know the expected outcome of the relationship you have described to me, but you are courting it anyway.
Here are my assessments
1. Communication problem. Did you know that communication is the number 1 problem in marriage? Now you are praying for a relationship that already has the number 1 problem. Does that make sense to you? Currently I am in Nairobi, Kenya. I just did a seminar on Sunday evening on Communication, I gave my audience the same assignment I give around the world. From a list of 11 items, they are to select the top three they consider create more problems in marriage. Guess what! they selected the same one every other group has selected and that is COMMUNICATION. Think for your self, would you buy a car if the seller tells you he is having major problems with the engine? Would you pray to God asking Hi to help you to get this car? I know you know better than that.
2 Why is the Communication so little when he is away? Have you ever wondered why? Because his feelings for you fluctuates. In his case it is not absence makes the heart grow fonder, but absence makes the heart go wonder. He is wondering over and over again in his mind. Is this the girl I want to marry? do I really love her? can I spend the rest of my life with her? and because he is not sure he wants the relationship he stays far, knowing you will always be there, just in case he changes his mind. But guess what, if he changes his mind and marry you, you will be among all men most miserable.
3. Is it possible he is using you as convenience when he comes home? You are the best available to him at home and his stay will be a short one. So why not live it up and get all he can get, knowing he does not have to commit to you because you are so desperately in love with him. And you will settle for anything. He knows no matter how frustrated you get and try to break up the relationship, he has the key in his hands and he knows how to open the door and push the right button. And you are so weak, so loving, so foolish, so gullible, so infatuated, so frustrated, so needy of him, that you cannot let go and move on with your life? You have to keep running back to him, singing, "tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, you on my mind? Hello!! wake up, stop the dreaming, stop the praying, stop the irrational thinking, stop the denial, face your reality, break away, and don't be so weak and gullible. Remember, you are a child of the King.
4. Has it ever occurred to you that he might be in another relationship in the country he is studying? Hello! why is love so blind? wake up and smell the roses. How can someone say he loves you and refuse to talk to you. Not even to send emails? That's the least a lover could do. So you need to start thinking that there might just be someone else. As painful as that thought might be, it may just well be your reality. And forget about this foolishness that he took you and introduced you to his mother. So what? is your mother going to marry you? Tell him to introduce you to his HEART. If he loves you.
I guess enough is said. If you still have doubts as to weather or not you should go on with this relationship. Be my guest. As a matter of fact, if you do marry him, please remember my web address. I will be waiting for your call, and remember, my fees will be high, because I am good at what I do, and I did give you the "free" warning.
God bless.
Dr. Smith
23. Dr. Smith
My husband and I have been married for almost four years now. We are having tremendous problems in our marriage & I think it's time we find a counselor if we want to save our marriage. I recently lost my job and things have gone wrong since then. We argue all the time and it's not health for us nor our 21 month old child. I feel helpless & I don't know what to do.
Dear Feeling helpless,
It is obvious that both of you have not gotten out of the stage that is often described as “power struggle” During this stage couples argue and fight a lot over many things, sometimes foolish and simple things. If this continues without the appropriate help, the marriage can deteriorate into withdrawal, isolation, separation or divorce.
It is ironic that you said that you “think” it’s time to find a counselor. If you had a car that is giving that much trouble, would you “think” to take it to the mechanic? If you had a heart condition giving you that much trouble, would you “think” to go to the cardiologist? If you had a child that was giving that much trouble at school, would you “think” to get help?
It is unfortunate that people with marital difficulties will sit and wait; “thinking” “wondering” “iffing and butting” “excusing” etc., allowing the relationship to degenerate into an almost impossibility, then they try to get help. What a travesty? Why is it that the one thing God wants us to guard the most, our marriage, we neglect without remorse?
Four years are just a beginning for any marriage, and I pray that you both will understand the need to get professional help. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your job. May God help you to find another one quickly. I will keep you in my prayers.
But do the right thing. God bless.
22. Dear Dr. Smith:
I met a man at church 6 months ago. Her told me that he has four children in a previous relationship before becoming a SDA Christian. He claims that he did not get married to the children of his mother because she did not want anything to do with the Lord.
Therefore, he left his family and got baptized, however, he still support his children financially. He also states that he loves me and would like to get married to me. However, I have never been married and have no children of my own. I have just finished college and hope to start a family of my own. I must admit that this gentleman is quite charming, attractive and seem to love the Lord. He really believes that I am the one for him.
In spite of this, I am not comfortable starting a relationship with someone who has four children. I told my family about him and they strongly advised me to wait on the Lord and do not get involved with someone who has four children. They also gave me a list of reasons. I do find him attractive and I like him. My only reservation is taking on the responsibility of four children who are biologically not mine. These children age ranges from 2 to 14 years old. What should I do? Should I give him a chance or should I wait?
Sincerely need spiritual advise.
Dear Chance giver,
You take a chance with a restaurant, a vacation, a hair style, maybe an investment, but certainly not with “Marriage.” An institution that has a guarantee 50% failure rate has no place for chance.
Tell me something, why are women so gullible to love lies? Do you really believe him that he did not marry the mother of his 4 children because she did not want to accept Christ? Which God did he go to after leaving four children behind, just like that, one was not even two years old as yet? If children only needed financial support God would not have given them parents.
Do you understand the implications of having a readymade family? How will you feel when he tells you that his children comes first (and don’t go ask him now because he will not tell you the truth) How will you feel when his children come to visit and you can’t speak to them because they tell you that you are not their mother? How will you feel when there is a conflict between you, him and his children and he tells you that you are selfish or jealous?
Frankly speaking, whatever you want to do, go ahead and do it, because if you are not listening to your family, why should you listen to me? They say love is blind and lovers are irrational, you seem to be both blind and irrational in your thinking. I notice that you did not give me any age, but if he already has a 14 year old and you are just graduating from college, then my assumption is that there is a big age difference. If this is so, it could come back to haunt you.
The accolades you gave about him, could be just fluff. Everyone has those attributes when they are in the first trimester of dating. If you don’t believe me, just ask any divorcee. You are going down a risky and dangerous love path, I can only hope that good judgment, common sense, and spiritual awareness will prevail.
Thanks for writing and God bless.
21. Dear Dr. Smith,
I am a 17 years old young Christian lady. I am very confused and is really in the process of making a decision, however, I am thinking if it is really the right one and if where I am that’s where God wants me to be.
I’m in a relationship with a 26years old guy, who is not a Christian, but he is a bit God-fearing. He doesn’t smoke, non-alcoholic, he wears no form of body piercing or tattoo. He doesn’t attend Church, he lives alone and works from Mon-Saturday.
He is caring, conservative, loving, and helpful. Financial he supports most of my physical and school needs. He is a person who is always there, he can be very respectful at times, he gets along quite well with my friends, grandma and so on. He really means a lot to me.
However, he is very jealous. If he calls he would ask me questions like; where are you? Where are you going? why are you going? etc. If I say I am with some friends both male and females, he starts to think that I am with another boyfriend. If I say I am going some where he will just call and call until I am back home.
He is insecure and he doesn’t trust me, why I really don’t know. I am very faithful to him because I really love him. Most time when I say I love you he asked me if I really mean it. Most times I cry because he doesn’t trust me and I don’t know what to do to prove I am faithful to him.
Now, I told him I will not have any sex until marriage, he says that’s ok but recently he starts pressing. I really don’t want o loose him but if I have to let go and let God that’s find with me!
Dr. Smith please give me you godly advice, what can I do? should I end or continue this?
Dear Confused.
If you were not 17 years of age, these are the questions I would be asking you.
Are you for real? Are you dumb? What are you drinking or smoking? Are you high on crack? Have you lost your sanity? Is your elevator not going all the way up to the top floor? Are you bi-polar? Are you listening to yourself? Etc. etc. etc.
But because your are 17 years of age, I will be a lot kinder to you and say, my dear, the relationship you described is so toxic, you need the label “hasmat” (hazard material) on it.
I know that no one will get a perfect person to marry, but there are too many glaring “Red Flags” in your relationships. For example:
1. He is controlling
2. He is jealous
3. He is insecure
4. He is demanding
5. He is manipulative
6. He ignores you at times
7. He is sarcastic & cynical
8. He is 9 years older than you
9. You are dependent upon him
10. He is disrespectful to you at times
11. He doesn’t trust you
12. He doesn’t respect your moral values
13. He is not a Christian neither dose he embrace your faith
Wow! did I count 13 red flags?
Why do I get the feeling that it does not matter what I say, you are still going to go along with the relationship? I get that feeling because you are receiving support from him. And people do not give up financial support that easily. Why do I get the feeling that you will soon be intimate with him again? I get that feeling because I know he will keep up the pressure, and by taking money and stuff from him, you will soon feel guilty and give way to his threats or pressure.
You are only 17 years of age, you have your entire life to live. At the moment you should be focusing on completing your education, without being involved in such an enmeshed relationship. At 17 you should enjoy your youth with friends and families and get out from under this dysfunctional, incompatible situation. At 17 you should be able to trust the hand of God with your life, making wise decisions, knowing that in His time, no good thing will He withhold from you, as long as you remain faithful.
Thanks for writing to me and I hope God will give you the inner strength to do the right thing. “Move On”
God bless.
20. Dear Dr. Smith
I recently had a miscarriage, I think about it all the time and I have asked [several ministries] about what will become of my baby but none know how to answer me. Will the lord hand me my baby at the resurrection? I have read psalm 139 and truly believe that God cares about that life which He starts to form. Up to this week I was content just believing that I will see my baby again even though it died at 10 weeks in my womb.
However I just heard a sermon [from a very popular preacher] and he says that if all the miscarried and aborted children would go to heaven then heaven will be a nursery because babies die all the time. He said that not all babies will make it [to heaven] because it depends on their parents. [To me] those were some harsh words. I am a sinner but I always repent and I am trying hard to walk with the Lord but sometimes I fall. My husband is a [Christian] too but he doesn’t go to church and is not really in the things of God. Does that mean God will not spare my baby and let it be in heaven just because my and husband I aren’t perfect? Why did he allow me to conceive? What do you think/ will I see my baby in heaven even though it never lived? Please be honest and clear. Thank you
Dear Concerned Mother,
You have asked me a specific question, "will you see your baby again in Heaven even though it never lived?" I must honestly say, I don't know the answer to your question also. The Bible does not address this issue neither can I glean anything from the writings of the Spirit of Prophecy. I can only hope and pray that you will see your baby again, but I have no Biblical grounds to support my hope.
I am posting your question on my site with the hope that if any of my readers have more insight in to this question they can email me their response and I will pass it on to you.
It is significant however, that you refer to your baby as “it”
To quote your phrase, “though it never lived,” have you notice that you did not give the child a gender? I wondered why. Do you have a name for the baby? Do you have pictures of the baby in your womb?
I can understand your desire and broken feelings. I can only encourage you to accept the reality of your lost and by God's grace move on. Do not mummify the baby, but accept the lost as God’s will. Do you remember the story of Rachel? The one thing she desired most, that of having children, took her life.
It must have been devastating to you after hearing that preacher’s sermon, and this is because you have not yet healed. A miscarriage is never ever an easy experience, but you must go back to God in faith and ask for healing.
The issue of how babies are saved is left entirely up to God and I am not in a position to comment on God’s will for your baby. I pray that you husband will return to his former love and that you will have a closer walk with Jesus.
May you find great strength today and may His grace keep you strong.
God bless.
19. Good day Dr. Smith!
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years and have two beautiful children. We are happily married and like every couple, we have our differences. My husband wants his parents to move to the U.S. Financially, we are not very stable because we have several school loans to pay off; so that means that if they move to the U.S. they will have to live with us in our home because renting an apartment for them would not be affordable for us, plus food, medical expenses, transportation and furnishing their apartment.
My relationship with my husband's parents is a pretty good one, but I'm not sure I want to live with any in-laws or even with any other family member. I don't want to make my husband feel badly about this situation and I don't want him to think I'm rejecting his parents. I would not mind having my in-laws living close to me, but not in my home because I like to have my space and my privacy.
Am I being selfish? What should I do?
Dear married for 6 years.
Regarding the issue of your husband wanting his parents to come and live with you, here is my take on it.
The notion of your husband wanting his parents to migrate should be commended. However, several issues need to be resolved before such a vital move is made.
How long will they be living with you? If it’s for more than one year, it’s not a good idea. And even a year can be a bit too long. Great relationships with in-laws can be ruined with too close a proximity.
Are they of age to work, and if so, do they have work authorization? If they do, then their coming should be to set up their own little nest, and in that case you should be more than willing to help them out temporarily. I would suggest however, that a specific time frame for their stay be agreed upon.
If they are coming to stay permanently, they should have some assets that they are bringing with them. This should help to defray the expense of rental, furniture purchase, etc. and should not be totally your husband’s responsibility.
If they are not coming to work and they will be depending solely on both of you, then you both need to sort this through thoroughly and carefully, because it may cause a lot of problems and heated arguments later. I urge you not to be insensitive to your husband’s desire to care for his parents, if they are old and need help. That is part of his God given responsibility.
You mentioned liking your own space and privacy. While I do not know the size of your home, I would urge you to reconsider this concept and make sure it’s not narcissism. If your in-laws are of the “meddling” type, then yes, they may cause havoc on your marriage. However, if they are not, then they might keep the space given them and not interfere. Whatever the arrangements, I would hope it’s not for a long time, unless they are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I wish you God’s greatest blessings and as you discuss this matter with your husband, I pray that everything will go smoothly. Be blessed and take best of care.
Dr. Smith
18. Dear Dr. Smith,
I am very confused. Every time I do oral sex with my spouse I always wonder if it is OK in God's eyes because if it is not, I surely do not want to do it again. It would help me a lot to know what you think and also if you know if the church or spirit of prophesy allows it.
Dear confused,
Oral sex is not discussed in the Bible or the Spirit of Prophecy. As a result I do not have a Biblical or Church Policy answer. However, when the Bible, Spirit of Prophecy or the Church is silent on a particular subject, then that subject should be left to a consecrated conscience to make spiritual application. For example, the Apostle Paul tells us that whatever we do, do all to the honor and glory of God ( I Cor 10:31). Also he says that our bodies are the temple of the living God (I Cor 6:19). Your thoughts and actions will have to be guided by Spiritual principles, knowing fully well that not everything the world does the Church of God can do also.
I wish you God's blessings in your marriage.
17. Dear Dr. Smith,
Despite several attempts, I have found it extremely difficult to move beyond my parents' separation without excluding them from my life. In other words, I cannot relate to them or even think about them without feeling regret for things I may or may not have said or did that might have led to this result.
They tried to stay together for as long as possible for the sake of my sibling and myself and somehow found the opportunity to try to get us to take sides, and so I had to be very careful about how I spoke because my words would be used to feed their arguments against each other etc.
My only means of dealing with this is trying to erase these memories, but I've found it impossible to do so without actually erasing my parents from my memory. I have extreme difficulty believing that I didn’t at least contribute to the marital breakdown. My overly concerned and sensitive personality won’t permit me to feel otherwise.
Having recently gotten married, I'm now concerned that my unresolved issues may eventually affect my marriage. Is it possible for me to get over this without regressing?
-A concerned friend
Dear Concerned Friend,
I understand your concern for your parents and the posttraumatic stress you might be experiencing as a result of their separation. However, you must move beyond your point of pain, feelings of guilt and regret. It is possible that you might have said or did things that caused problems in your parent’s relationship, but that is certainly no reason for them to separate. They are the parents you are the child and part of their parental responsibility is to deal with whatever comes up with their children without making it affecting their marriage.
You claimed that they tried to stay in the marriage for as long as they could for the sake of the children. Well, too bad, that’s no reason to stay in a marriage. People stay in a marriage because of the commitment they made to each other at the altar and not because of their children.
The notion of getting children to take sides is called “Coalition” a ‘detouring coalition’ is one in which the couple hold a third family member (in your case you or your sibling) partly responsible for their difficulties or conflicts with each another. You are old enough to walk away from that now. Stop worrying about the failed marriage of you parents and concentrate on you own marriage. If you don’t, then the same fate will meet yours.
You can separate your memories from you parents; one does not necessarily condition the other. You can cognitively re-structure your though process to suppress or erase painful memories, without ignoring the fact that your parents exist and that you should relate to them in a congenial way.
If there is one thing that you can remember from my response, please let it be this, “YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR PARENTS FAILED MARRIAGE.” That is a choice they made and would have made whether you were born or not. I do hope you will pay great attention to your marriage and do not take any of the baggage into it.
Promise yourself that the failures of your parents will not be repeated in your relationship. Learn from their mistakes and ask God to bless and keep you and your husband. And yes, it is posssible for you to get over this without regressing. Remember, you can do all thing through Christ who strengthens you.
Have a happy, peaceful and prosperous married life.
16. Dear Dr. Smith:
I have met someone and would like to marry her, but I was previously married, during my marriage my wife and I started having problems. She went so far as to move out of the house; but her moving out was not because of any kind of abuse physical or otherwise.
I tried to reconcile and to seek counseling through the church for us to attend but she was not interested in counseling or reconciliation.
Was it beneficial for me to stay in a relationship where counseling and reconciliation was offered but rejected? Can I marry this person?
My dear friend,
I empathized with your situation and understand the pain that comes from a failed marriage. The phrase “I was previously married” suggest that you are now divorced. If so, on what grounds were you divorced? Who filed for the divorce? You said you tried to reconcile and sought counseling, if that was the case, which marriage counselor did you seek? Did you go for any counseling yourself? Did you ask your pastor to visit your home early when you sense a breaking down in the marital relationship? Did you have children with your ex-wife? If you did, who has custody and why? If you are not the custodial parent, are you faithful in supporting you child/ren, financially, emotionally and physically?
Your desire to be re-married is not as simple as you may take it. There are spiritual and eternal consequences involved. Divorce and re-marriage must be entered into carefully and must be according to the written requirements of God. The Bible is very clear on the grounds for divorce. I would encourage you to think this through carefully and prayerfully and make sure your actions are according to the written will of God. Thanks for your question and may God give you wisdom in any decision you make.
15. Dear Dr. Smith,
Should married couples have sex on the Sabbath? Please be clear with your answer.
Concerned Spouse.
Dear Concerned Spouse,
This question has been asked at almost every workshop I have conducted. So obviously, it is a common concern among many couples. Everything we read about the Sabbath suggests that the Sabbath was made for man, and not man for the Sabbath, in fact the Bible says so. It also suggests that the Sabbath is a period of time that is set-aside for meditation and reflection, for refreshing the soul and rendering praise to God. Therefore, should one have sex on the Sabbath? There are two schools of thought:
1) The Sabbath is a holy day of rest onto the Lord and one should not engaged in sex on the Sabbath: Those who hold to this view, argue primarily from Isaiah's warned against finding one’s own pleasure on the Sabbath:
"If thou turn away thy foot from the Sabbath, from doing thy pleasure on my holy day; and call the Sabbath a delight, the holy of the LORD, honorable; and shalt honor him, not doing thine own ways, nor finding thine own pleasure, nor speaking thine own words:" Isa 58:13 They conclude that Sabbath is not the day for sex because sex is finding one's own pleasure.
2) Sabbath is a holy day and Marriage is a holy institution therefore sex can be done on the Sabbath: The supporters of this view contend that both the Sabbath and Marriage were instituted by God and as such sex is definately sacred, especially since God only sanctioned sex in the institution of marriage. They further argue that the Apostle Paul gave strong support for sex on the Sabbath when he said: "Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency" 1 Cor 7:5. The argument is that couples are not required to fast and pray every Sabbath. Some even go as far as to say that since Adam and Eve were married on the sixth day, God would not require them to wait that long before consummating their marriage.
As an order of priority, the activities of the Sabbath should be ones that bring honor to God, ones that promote a spiritual and holy encounter. Since sex is an expression of love, it believe that a spouse may have the need to share his/her love for his wife/husband on the Sabbath. While I would not encourage couples to reserve sex just for the Sabbath, I would also like to encourage those who believe otherwise, to reserve judgment to God. If you feel it is wrong to engaging in sexual activities on the Sabbath, then by all means, avoid doing so, but do not stand in judgment of someone else.
An intimate relationship between a married couple is a spiritual relationship. Marriage is a holy institution; the Sabbath is a holy day. One might ask, if holy people, participate in a holy institution, sanctioned by a Holy God, on a holy day, could that act be Unholy? That's for you to decide!
Sex between married couples is intended to be a beautiful expression of intimacy. While couples may not set out to have sex, it may so happen that they choose to respond to the passion of the moment. Sexual intimacy between married couples should not be scheduled. While one moment may be more conducive than another, it should be a spontaneous response to feelings of closeness and oneness shared between married couples.
14. Dear Dr. Smith,
I have an issue that I need your help with. My boyfriend broke up with me last year after I decided to get baptized and go back to church, we were sexually active and I got pregnant the year before (I had a miscarriage). He blames me for what happened saying that my family influenced me into not living with him and if I did I wouldn’t have been so stressed and lose the baby. He said we were going to get engaged and then get married but all that changed after the miscarriage, he said he wanted a family and he didn’t get that. I'm so hurt because I really love him, I haven’t gotten over the miscarriage or the breakup and I’m finding it hard to let go and I feel allot of hatred towards him. My spiritual life is decreasing because I’ve had sex with 3 other men trying to get over my ex. Right now I am still having sex with one of them and I’ve also been raped. I cant seem to stop and I feel so guilty after but then I still continue, I want to stop and be serious about my relationship with God, I hate myself for what I’m doing because I know it is wrong. Please help me, I’m so ashamed!!!
Dear so ashamed,
I read your concern with deep empathy for you. Your email has addressed several aspects of your painful situation, and so as not to be redundant, I will attempt to isolate the parts.
a) “we were sexually active and I got pregnant the year before.”
Anytime you have to consummate a relationship before marriage, that relationship is already in trouble. Firstly, you would have violated the commands of God, II Tim 2:22, Flee youthful lust, I Thes 4:3 Abstain from fornication, I Cor 6:13 The body is not for fornication. Secondly, by compromising ethical and moral principles, you have paved the way for your fiancée to be unfaithful to you in the future. Thirdly, you have created the opportunity for your fiancée to tell you later that he has no respect for you.
b) “blaming you for the miscarriage”
Blaming you for the miscarriage is just a cheap “low blow” shot. It shows how narcissistic, uncaring, unsympathetic, and callus a person he is. By saying that if you had come to live with him that would not have happened, is just a manipulative ploy to make you feel guilty. Deep down he knows that that’s not true.
c) “engagement and marriage changed after miscarriage”
How ironic, he can only engage and marry you if you have a baby for him. I hope you are not dumb enough to believe that. He wanted a family and he did not get one so he couldn’t marry you. I thought it was the reverse; you first get married and then start a family. Isn’t that the purpose of getting married? This guy you love so dearly is badly mixed up.
d) “haven’t gotten over the miscarriage or the breakup”
I understand how you feel and I will not attempt to minimize your hurt, especially over your miscarriage. Indeed that must have been a very traumatic experience for you. I pray that God will give you the strength to heal and cope. On the other hand, is it possible that it might be your blessing in disguise? Maybe it’s a way for you to have a new start in life, to go back to school, to improve yourself, and to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. (I am just thinking out loudly)
e) “my Spiritual life is decreasing and I have had sex with 3 other men to get over my ex”
Are you for real? Have you ever heard of a thing called AIDS? When last have you checked the statistic on the prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases? Are you aware that some are incurable, while others will leave you sterile for the rest of your life? And don’t tell me that you use a “condom”, just talk with the thousands of others who did and still got caught. Besides, where is your sense of self? Your self-worth? Your decency and your understanding that you are created in the image of God? How could you allow one person to cause you to think so low of yourself? Why are you falling apart over someone that has already proven to be a “no good” for you? Turn the “hate” you have towards him into “love and respect” for yourself
f) “I am having sex with one right now and I can’t seem to stop”
Enjoy- I hear your self induced helplessness, and your irrational reason, “my ex made me do it.” Your cognitive dissonance with your self is pathological. If you want me to feel sorry for your “helplessness” I don’t. And if you want to keep feeling sorry for your self, then go ahead. Wreck your life because you “cannot stop”. God NEVER made you with any impulse control. You have absolutely no control over what you do. Just keep adding sin to sin. I frequently say to my clients, there is something more deadly than “SIN” itself, and that is, to sin and feel good about it.
g) “I want to stop and get serious with my relationship with God, please help me”
If you want to stop. Just stop NOW. Just bow your head right now and confess to God and ask for His forgiveness. Make a commitment with Him that you will not write, call, email, visit, text, or any other forms of contact with this person you are sexually active with. Cut the strings, sever the tie, walk away. Fast and pray for strength. Get professional help. Here is my office number (516 627-9350) if you did not get me, leave a message and I will call you back. I pray that God’s greatest grace will be upon you. I will be praying for you. I know the road is rough, and sometimes good people get “mess-up”, but the good thing is that “His grace is sufficient” for you. Hold on, don’t give up have faith in God. When I talk with you I will give you some more encouragements. God bless.
Dr. Smith
13. Dear Dr. Smith,
What feelings, characteristics that lead a man and woman to be in a true love relationship, to have true compatibility? What should love include in order for one to know that someone is or that you yourself is a true life long partner?
Thank you.
May God continue to bless you and your ministry.
Dear Friend,
According to Richard Sternberg, true love is based on a balance of three elements, commitment, intimacy and passion and I would add a fourth element, “spirituality”. There are different types of love, friendship, infatuation, empty love, romance, lustful relationships, companionship and true love.
True love should be the foundation stone for any relationship. It is composed of mutual caring and trust, open communication of feelings and sensations, and of course, it involves risks. There should be respect, warmth, acceptance, trust, and understanding.
True love should include:
• Feeling good about each other and the relationship
• Treating one another with respect and courtesy
• Communicating clearly and expressing affirmation
• Feeling free to question each other and exploring problems
• Endorsements by relatives and friends
• Building each other up
• A firm faith in God
Thanks for your question and may God continue to bless you too.
Dr. Smith
12. Dear Dr. Smith,
I am a Forensic Psychologist who has been a practicing Adventist for 5-yrs. My problem is relating my personal spirituality with secular psychological philosophy. Because of my traditional educational experience, I often struggle with religious concepts that appear to conflict with my professional training. I would desperately like to have a more thorough understanding of the Bible and it's teachings so that I can make the connection with my secular orientation to the work that I do. Do you have any suggestions about how to bridge this philosophical gap?
Dear Forensic Psychologist,
Concerning your question, I do understand the conflicts that sometimes emerge between “faith and practice”. Here is a golden rule to live by, ‘whenever there is an apparent conflict between your spirituality and philosophy, always stick to your spirituality.’
If you have any particular area that you are struggling with, feel free to address it to me. At the same time, your pastor should be the first person you sit with and talk about these philosophical gap. Discuss with him your fears and concerns, or that which is bothering you most. Because you did not address any specific issue in your question, it is quite difficult for me to attempt to provide any further answer.
I hope and pray that you will find some answers to your quizzical concerns. Please bear in mind that you might not feel fully satisfied with some of the answers given, however that should not weaken your faith. “For what man knoweth the things of a man, save the spirit of man which is in him? Even so the things of God knoweth no man, but the Spirit of God. (1Cor 2:11)
Keep courageous and God bless.
Dr. Smith
11. Dear Dr. Smith,
I wanted to know what does the bible have to say on divorce and what is the Adventist beliefs on this? Will I get my membership read out of the church after my divorce is final? Will I need to get re-baptized? Thank you
Dear "Thank You"
The Bible says, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh." Gen 2: 24
"I hate divorce." Mal 2:16
"And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery." Matt 19:9
There are several other texts that can be cited, however, I believe these are sufficient in response to your question. The Bible is very clear regarding the teachings of divorce and the Seventh-day Adventist Church upholds the principles and teachings of the Bible.
The General Conference of Seventh-day Adventist (the world headquarters of the Church) puts out a position statement on divorce. It states that if two people get divorced on any basis other than those stated in the Bible they are not to remarry.
The Seventh-day Adventist Church Manual states, “Scripture recognizes adultery and/or fornication (Matt. 5:32) as well as abandonment by an unbelieving partner (1 Cor. 7:10-15) as grounds for divorce.” This is the official position of the Church.
Will you get your membership read out in the Church after your divorce? That is dependent on the grounds for your divorce. If for example, it is a case of proven adultery, then yes, your membership would be withdrawn, and you would need to be re-baptized. Also, your Church could ask you to step down from holding office, if you were the major factor in the demise of your relationship.
I hope your marriage has not reached a stage of divorce in the courts and I pray that you both will get some professional help before a divorce becomes inevitable. Above all, remember, there is nothing too hard for the Lord to do, so please, take it to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you in your time of greatest need. I’ll say a prayer for you. "Thank you for asking.
10. Dear Dr. Smith,
How might a couple deal with guilt from their past experiences? Guilty Spouse
Dear Guilty Spouse
Guilt can be a crippling and disabling emotion, so it is important to face the circumstances that may be generating it. There are times when an individual may have labeled his/her feelings as guilt, when it may not be. People are not always able to identify the feeling they experience and may very well call it what it is not. For example, many times anger is identified as rage, or sadness or even guilt.
So assuming you are experiencing guilt, it is likely there is some event or experience you had that you feel badly about. It is likely to be a conflict of values. When you do things or participate in experiences that oppose your values you are likely to feel ashamed, or to feel like you violated yourself or were violated. The first thing you need is to genuinely ask God for forgiveness (I John 1:9 says, if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness).
Secondly, you need to FORGIVE yourself. The past is gone, it is water under the bridge. LET GO and MOVE ON!! Accept your role in the event and own it, learn from it and pledge never to do something so stupid again (by God's Grace). You are likely to project your feelings onto your spouse, or you may displace your feelings upon your spouse, child or children. If you find that this is happening, seek a professional counselor.
If you were hurt, or abused by someone, and you find that you experience flashbacks or you are affected by the event in your current relationship with your spouse, then you need to let go. You are the survivor not the victim. Don't beat yourself up. Some people accept blame and feel guilty for acts that are done to them. They often blame themselves by telling themselves that they should have told someone, or that it is something that they did that allowed the crime to be committed against them. NOT TRUE!!! Do not take responsibility for something you didn't do. You were violated and victimized once, don't allow it twice. If guilt is persisting and is impacting your relationship negatively, you probably need to seek professional counseling.
9. Dear Dr Smith,
I am a young, Seventh Day Adventist, Christian women who is having a terrible time in her marriage(what's left of it).
I grew up Catholic and Seventh Day Adventist (church on Sat with my paternal grandmother, church on Sun with my mother, I participated in Junior-Pathfinders then Pathfinders on Sundays and since I went to a catholic school I was a member of a group called "Child of Mary"). Sometimes I joke that I was "over churched".
I have been married 16 years (we were teenagers) and for the past 7 months my marriage has been going in a downward spiral. I have been the sole provider for my family on and off for the past 9 years because my husband was going to school. He finished last May and as of July/August he stopped caring about our relationship. He proceeded to tell me it was over and that he was through with me. He started a relationship with another woman and flaunted it in my face. He said that all the years while I was supporting him I made him feel useless because I was so bossy; and I never spent enough time with him.
At times I worked 2 jobs and went to school myself. I had to work, take care of the house, the children without any emotional or spiritual support from him. And he blames everything on me. We have 2 children the oldest is suffering greatly. My heart is broken, I have been disillusioned and disappointed. I locked him out of our home and have said hurtful and mean things to him. We have hurt each other a lot over the past 7 months. He is keeping company with a bunch of people who are not Christians, who can't possibly give him good advice.
As a Christian, I want to do what is right in the sight of God. I want what is best for my children, myself and my husband. Though he broke my trust I still have a hard time thinking about divorce etc... We both have faults and we both did and said things we shouldn't have (though I never cheated nor tried to). God said to forgive every time your brother asks for forgiveness; he has not asked for forgiveness but he said that he still loves me. In August I asked him to go to marriage counseling he said no. In your experience as a Pastor and as a marriage counselor can we get past this moment? Can this marriage be salvaged? Should I count my losses and get a lawyer? Since I didn't commit adultery I can remarry but that is not what I want for my children.
Sincerely
Answer
Dear Disillusioned and Disappointed,
Thanks for sharing with me the burdens of your heart. There is no question that what you have related to me about your marriage is a challenge. It is sad that there is such a deep break down in the relationship. One would have thought that after working so hard to maintain the marriage financially and other wise, things would have turned out better for you now. The charges that you husband is laying on you are serious ones, and should be examined by a professional to see if they are rational or irrational.
I am encouraged that you want to do what is right, and I hope this for your husband as well. Concerning your specific questions, here are my responses:
Question: Can we get pass this moment.
Answer: Yes you can, “we can do all things through Christ” however, to get pass this you both might need professional help and a closer relationship with Jesus Christ. If you both are willing to let go of the mistakes and failures of the past and move forward, you will be able to get pass it. The operative word here is “both” you both have to commit to the health of the marriage.
Question: Can this marriage be salvage?
Answer: Again, the answer to this question is “yes”, any marriage can be salvage if both parties are willing to work at it. However, there are some dysfunctional patterns of behavior in your marriage, and if these are not unmasked and treated, then the relationship will remain toxic. A Marriage Therapist can help you to work through these problems. If you both try to resolve these problems on your own, you may end up doing more fighting than healing. Both of you should therefore, make it a priority to get help NOW.
Question: Should I count my losses and get a lawyer?
Answer:
Not until you have used up every avenue to get help and to no avail. The marriage bond is the closest bon on earth and should not be easily broken. Try your best to encourage your husband or get someone to encourage him to go with you for professional help. My prayers are with you, keep courageous and may God keep blessing.
8. Dear Dr. Smith, how does a Christian woman remain pure with integrity and decency, yet be sexually attractive and sensuous? Attractive woman.
Dear Attractive Woman, like any moral person, the Christian woman has an obligation to represent the code of ethics that guides her behavior. A Christian woman is endowed with inherent feminine charm that is characteristic of the female person. She uses this to attract the male of her specie. She acts with grace and decor. She displays a sense of confidence, competence, and assurance that depicts and appeals.
She is pleasant to be around. She is sensitive to the needs of others. She is nurturing and caring.
While she competes with all other women for male attention, she is tolerant and respectful of all. She is constructive, productive and honest. She is self-respecting. She has good self-esteem. She lives up to the principles of purity. She protects and preserves her virginity for marriage. She acts appropriately in the presence of all people, not just males.
She loves people and is responsive to hurt, pain and injustice.
She is well groomed. She is neat and takes pride in her appearance without being gaudy. She has a dress code but is not inappropriately trendy. She strikes the middle ground. She speaks softly and calmly, but yet is assertive. Being sexually attractive is not only physical, but involves the whole person. She establishes boundaries and commands respect. She advocates for good moral behavior and is a good role model for young people in general, but young women in particular.
7. Dear Dr. Smith, how may young people avoid getting into relationships that are likely to fail? Concerned Youth.
Dear Concerned Youth, immaturity is one of the reasons for failed relationships. While it is hard to put an age on maturity, since some people mature faster than others, it is advisable to focus on the developmental tasks at each stage of one’s development. When a girl matures and is ready for dating, it is expected that she has finished high school and is achieving life skills. This may mean that she is in college or some other learning or working environment where she is acquiring some skills that will prepare her to be self-sufficient, self-reliant, and independent. A relationship cannot last on passion only.
Many young people get passionate about each other and will elope so they can get married if they feel unsupported. It is advisable that they think carefully about their future. It takes two mature people who are ready to take on the responsibilities of a family in order to successfully negotiate a relationship.
In order to take on the responsibility of a family you need a job or preferably a career. Life is hard enough for couples with dual careers, let alone couples that are less able to meet the emotional and economic needs of each other.
Think with your head and not just with your libido. Choose a partner who shares your values. Look at the parents of the person you are interested in. What is their relationship like? A boy is likely to treat you the way his father treats his mother. Would your mother marry his father? Or vice versa. This is not to say that some children will not be able to undo the mistakes their parents made, but more often than not they are socialized by their family’s norms.
Think of your children (if God so desires), would this person make a good mother or a good father? Are you both compatible? Are you both prepared to live with your differences? What of your in-laws? What kind of people are they? Do they have strong family values? A relationship needs all the right elements to begin with, the person your spouse is before the marriage is what he/she is likely to be after the wedding. People do not change drastically after the wedding, if anything they get complacent.
6. Dear Dr. Smith, how do I choose the right partner? Still looking
Dear Still Looking, I believe you must first understand yourself. Know your likes and dislikes. Acknowledge your strengths and be sure to accept your limitations. Identify what you find attractive about the opposite sex. Be sure it is not just physical. Are you attracted to this person because he/she sings well? Because he/she is popular? Because he/she is "funny?" While those characteristics may help in most relationships, they are not enough to go by. There should be some attraction, however it should be supported by substantive, well thought out criteria that are congruent with who you are and the values you endorse.
Some Questions That May Be Asked:
1. Does this person respect me?
2. Does this person show a caring attitude?
3. What is the family history of this person as it relates to relationships?
4. What is the relationship of this person with his/her immediate family (parents, siblings, etc.)?
5. What are the strong values of this person?
6. Does this person love the Lord? Is he/she spiritual?
7. Is this person consistent in the display of their values?
8. Is this person interesting?
9. Is this person progressive?
10. Does this person respect your family?
11. Does your family respect this person?
12. Is this person more than five years older than you are? Or are the developmental
differences far apart?
13. Does this person like animals?
14. Is this person affectionate?
15. How well are you able to communicate with this person?
16. Do you get along with this person's friends?
17. Would your parents get along with this person's parents?
18. Does this person support your life goals?
19. Are you happy in the company of this person?
20. What reviews do you get from this person's peers?
21. What kind of parent is this person likely to be?
22. Is he/she a good role model for your children?
23. Is this person honest?
24. Is this person a risk taker?
25. Does this person have acceptable grooming skills?
26. Is there any history of mental illness in this person’s family?
27. Is this person mature?
28. What kinds of problem solving and decision-making skills does this person
possess?
29. Does this person manage money well?
30. Is this person academically stimulating, is he/she creative/or intelligent?
31. Is this person hard working?
32. Is this person reckless?
33. Does this person have a vision for his life? Is it compatible with your goals?
While you may not find any one person with a positive outcome to all these questions be sure you are able to live with the shortcomings. If you are going some place with your life then you are going to seek someone who will complement or supplement you. Discuss your goals with each other and determine how mutual are they. Put your plans in God’s hands and pray for His guidance!!! Listen to your parents!!! Talk to your Pastor.
5. Dear Dr. Smith, are there any sex acts that are inappropriate between a husband and a wife? Just curious
Dear Just Curious, a young couple who came for counseling asked the poignant question, “Is it O.K. to have anal sex?” The question, “what do you think?” was immediately thrown back at them. One spouse said that it was O.K., he felt that within the privacy of the bedroom a husband and wife should be free to do anything. The other had the opposite view. She felt that anal sex would make her feel less of a person, cheap, ashamed and sinful. After exploring several issues with them, it was agreed that a love relationship between a husband and wife is built on mutual respect.
There are many sex acts that are considered abusive, sinful, and in some cases, even life threatening. The passion that one experiences when engaged in intercourse can be over-powering and may elicit animalistic behavior from a partner.
Some sex acts are identified as "kinky" and may be dishonorable and debasing. Couples are encouraged to avoid any act that leaves them feeling guilty, ashamed or dishonored God. The lining of the anus is not designed to withstand the force and thrust of the penis. It was not design by the Almighty for intercourse. Anal sex therefore, is likely to cause rupture in the anal walls, severe bleeding and infection. From a spiritual viewpoint, anal sex is not biblical.
Masturbation is another practice among some couples that prove not to be healthy for their relationship. Masturbation can lead to pre-mature ejaculation in men, thus creating frustration for the wife during sexual intercourse. Besides, viewing pornographic materials while masturbating or viewing it separately, creates a false sense of emotional sexual appetite that can lead to incest, rape, or extra-marital affairs.
Ellen G. White states that some who make high profession do not understand the sin of self-abuse and its sure results. Long-established habit has blinded their understanding. They do not realize the exceeding sinfulness of this degrading sin, which is enervating the system and destroying their brain nerve power. Moral principle is exceedingly weak when it conflicts with established habit. Solemn messages from heaven cannot forcibly impress the heart that is not fortified against the indulgence of this degrading vice. The sensitive nerves of the brain have lost their healthy tone by morbid excitation to gratify an unnatural desire for sensual indulgence (White, 1MCP 230.4, 230.5)
Sexual activities between spouses should be mutually endorsed and spiritually uplifting. In discussing inappropriate sex acts the Bible has this to say: "Wherefore God also gave them up to uncleanness through the lusts of their own hearts, to dishonour their own bodies between themselves…For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompense of their error which was meet. And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a reprobate mind, to do those things which are not convenient." Rom 1:24–28.
4. Dear Dr. Smith, I am a divorcee and I am looking for someone with whom to share my life but my friends keep telling me that it is a sin to get married again as my husband is still alive. I do not intend to live alone for the rest of my life because my children are all grown and I am lonely. Plus, there is someone who is interested in me and I am giving him the brush off because I am not sure. Yet I do not want to regret pushing him away. Dr Smith, is it wrong to feel as I do?
Dear Concerned, Thank you for your question. You are not alone with this concern, as a matter of fact many have gone ahead and gotten remarried without even seeking Spiritual and professional counsel. The issue of divorce and remarriage has become a complicated issue in the Christian church. Complicated, not because the Bible is not clear on the subject, but complicated because there are inconsistent practices among pastors and churches.
I will not attempt to address the inconsistencies, but stick to the principles of the Bible. Remarriage is mention twice in the New Testament, both occurrences are in the book of Matthew (19:9 & 5:32). In both instances the Bible makes it clear that remarriage should take place only when the divorce is on the grounds of Adultery. If you read the SDA Church manual, you will find a further elaboration on this subject. The concern I have is the statement you made in your question, that is, “I do not intend to live alone for the rest of my life because my children are all grown and I am lonely.”
While I do not want to judge your motive, it does suggest that you will do what you want to do despite the counsel, I do hope this is not so. There are several implications rapped up in remarriage, such as, spiritual, emotional, psychological, social, and relational. Please note that second marriages have a faster rate of divorce than do first marriages. Whatever you do, make sure you honor Christ in your action. May God bless you.
3. Dear Dr. Smith, being a Seventh Day Adventist Christian, I have heard some Seventh Day Adventist couples say that a married couple should pray before they have sex so that the Lord will guide their behavior in the bedroom. My question is, if the Bible says that the wife's body belongs to the husband and the husband's body belongs to the wife, why is praying before the act necessary? Is there any sense to this statement? Could you shed some light on this issue for me please.
Dear Adventist Christian, the statement you heard about “praying before sex” is as ridiculous as the notion of a “round square”. It is neither Biblical nor from the Spirit of Prophecy. Sex in the context of marriage is beautiful and should not be confused with an intimate prayer relationship with God. There are some people however, who act over-religious and seek to impose their kind of religiosity on others. Prayer is an appropriate act of worship and meditation with God. Sex in marriage is an appropriate act of intimacy with one’s spouse, they are separate but necessary. It is not prayer that determines the behavior in the bed room, it is the individual’s relationship with God.
2. Dear Dr. Smith, my mom is miserable in her marriage and we talk about it from time to time, however, if my husband and I did something great like celebrating an anniversary, birthday, or he may purchase a special gift for me that I may have asked him for, or even to bring me flowers on an ordinary day and I am happy enough to share it with my mom, she seems to have no joy for me. Instead, she sulks, or changes the subject. You see, I had been in an unhappy situation before with my previous husband and she was upset that he treated me that way and says she can't wait for me to find happiness. But now that I have that with a new husband, she does not seem happy for me. I don't seem to understand her and it is affecting our relationship. Could you please shed some light as to why my mom behaves this way. Dr. Smith, I am looking forward to your reply on this issue.
Dear Concerned Friend, your situation is not unusual. Your mom loves you and wants you to be happy, by her own admission. However, she may be unable to express happiness and glee for you because she is unhappy in her own "spirit." That is, it may have nothing to do with you. The experience you are having with her, could be a reflection of what she is truly feeling; sadness, wishing to have a better marriage, maybe a little jealousy (but not wanting less for you), inability to be emotional, (at least, to express it).
She may have some "unfinished business" socially and emotionally and may be unaware of how she reflects this to you. You may share your observations with her and try to have a conversation with her about the way her behavior is perceived by you. Explain to her that you are confused, because you got the impression that she was happy you were now in a nurturing and wholesome relationship. But that you experience her to be less than receptive to you, and in fact, the feeling you get when you share information of your husbands' expressions of love, is that she is not warm to you.
Maybe she is unaware of her behavior, since it may not be a conscious response. If after you have discussed your observations with her, the behavior does not change, I would encourage you to avoid sharing your special moments with her. Try to minimize any situation that will put a wedge between you and your mother. Hopefully she may get to the place in her life where she is able to experience some happiness herself. Keep hopeful and prayerful and may God keep blessing.
1. Dear Dr. Smith, My brother and I have not spoken for 2 years even though we attend the same church. I tried to reach out to him on many occasions but he refuses to talk to me. You see, we have never gotten along as youngsters because he says that mom loves me more than him. Now that we are older, I think that this petty stuff should stop. I want to love my brother and invite him over for dinner but he can't seem to get past this. Dr. Smith, what can I do about this stubborn brother of mine?
Dear Friend, with Stubborn Brother Your brother is hurting and appears to be blaming you for his pain. It is not your fault that your mother loves you. However, it may only be his perception that she loves you more than him. You may try confronting him to explain that you are unhappy with the strained relationship between the both of you. After all, you are blood relations, and also brother and sister in Christ Jesus. If he refuses, then you must admit that you have tried.
Pray that God will give him the Spirit of forgiveness. You may ask the pastor to mediate between both of you. Try to be consistent, be cordial to him and his family if he has one. Does your mom know that there is this impasse between both of you? You may want to have a family discussion. Do your Christian duty, love those who are difficult to get along with. Remember the story of Joseph, you may be the one to save him some day! Keep courageous and may God keep blessing.
Dr. Alanzo Smith is the Family Ministries/Men’s Ministry Director for the Greater New York Conference. He is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor.
If you have a question that you would like him to answer, send your question to, aljune77@aol.com Mark your caption “Question for Dr. Smith”
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