Departments and Ministries
Dear Dr. Smith
14. Dear Dr. Smith,
I have an issue that I need your help with. My boyfriend broke up with me last year after I decided to get baptized and go back to church, we were sexually active and I got pregnant the year before (I had a miscarriage). He blames me for what happened saying that my family influenced me into not living with him and if I did I wouldn’t have been so stressed and lose the baby. He said we were going to get engaged and then get married but all that changed after the miscarriage, he said he wanted a family and he didn’t get that. I'm so hurt because I really love him, I haven’t gotten over the miscarriage or the breakup and I’m finding it hard to let go and I feel allot of hatred towards him. My spiritual life is decreasing because I’ve had sex with 3 other men trying to get over my ex. Right now I am still having sex with one of them and I’ve also been raped. I cant seem to stop and I feel so guilty after but then I still continue, I want to stop and be serious about my relationship with God, I hate myself for what I’m doing because I know it is wrong. Please help me, I’m so ashamed!!!
Dear so ashamed,
I read your concern with deep empathy for you. Your email has addressed several aspects of your painful situation, and so as not to be redundant, I will attempt to isolate the parts.
a) “we were sexually active and I got pregnant the year before.”
Anytime you have to consummate a relationship before marriage, that relationship is already in trouble. Firstly, you would have violated the commands of God, II Tim 2:22, Flee youthful lust, I Thes 4:3 Abstain from fornication, I Cor 6:13 The body is not for fornication. Secondly, by compromising ethical and moral principles, you have paved the way for your fiancée to be unfaithful to you in the future. Thirdly, you have created the opportunity for your fiancée to tell you later that he has no respect for you.
b) “blaming you for the miscarriage”
Blaming you for the miscarriage is just a cheap “low blow” shot. It shows how narcissistic, uncaring, unsympathetic, and callus a person he is. By saying that if you had come to live with him that would not have happened, is just a manipulative ploy to make you feel guilty. Deep down he knows that that’s not true.
c) “engagement and marriage changed after miscarriage”
How ironic, he can only engage and marry you if you have a baby for him. I hope you are not dumb enough to believe that. He wanted a family and he did not get one so he couldn’t marry you. I thought it was the reverse; you first get married and then start a family. Isn’t that the purpose of getting married? This guy you love so dearly is badly mixed up.
d) “haven’t gotten over the miscarriage or the breakup”
I understand how you feel and I will not attempt to minimize your hurt, especially over your miscarriage. Indeed that must have been a very traumatic experience for you. I pray that God will give you the strength to heal and cope. On the other hand, is it possible that it might be your blessing in disguise? Maybe it’s a way for you to have a new start in life, to go back to school, to improve yourself, and to fulfill your dreams and aspirations. (I am just thinking out loudly)
e) “my Spiritual life is decreasing and I have had sex with 3 other men to get over my ex”
Are you for real? Have you ever heard of a thing called AIDS? When last have you checked the statistic on the prevalence of sexually transmitted diseases? Are you aware that some are incurable, while others will leave you sterile for the rest of your life? And don’t tell me that you use a “condom”, just talk with the thousands of others who did and still got caught. Besides, where is your sense of self? Your self-worth? Your decency and your understanding that you are created in the image of God? How could you allow one person to cause you to think so low of yourself? Why are you falling apart over someone that has already proven to be a “no good” for you? Turn the “hate” you have towards him into “love and respect” for yourself
f) “I am having sex with one right now and I can’t seem to stop”
Enjoy- I hear your self induced helplessness, and your irrational reason, “my ex made me do it.” Your cognitive dissonance with your self is pathological. If you want me to feel sorry for your “helplessness” I don’t. And if you want to keep feeling sorry for your self, then go ahead. Wreck your life because you “cannot stop”. God NEVER made you with any impulse control. You have absolutely no control over what you do. Just keep adding sin to sin. I frequently say to my clients, there is something more deadly than “SIN” itself, and that is, to sin and feel good about it.
g) “I want to stop and get serious with my relationship with God, please help me”
If you want to stop. Just stop NOW. Just bow your head right now and confess to God and ask for His forgiveness. Make a commitment with Him that you will not write, call, email, visit, text, or any other forms of contact with this person you are sexually active with. Cut the strings, sever the tie, walk away. Fast and pray for strength. Get professional help. Here is my office number (516 627-9350) if you did not get me, leave a message and I will call you back. I pray that God’s greatest grace will be upon you. I will be praying for you. I know the road is rough, and sometimes good people get “mess-up”, but the good thing is that “His grace is sufficient” for you. Hold on, don’t give up have faith in God. When I talk with you I will give you some more encouragements. God bless.