Departments and Ministries
Dear Dr. Smith
24. Dear Dr. Smith
I met this friend in 2006, he is an endearing young man, and an Adventist, my age. He left for studies abroad and he's been coming home at least once every year since. We love each other and consider a future together, though no solid commitment from both parties so far, just expressed hopes and a shared dream.
Whenever he is at home for that one month every year, things are okay, we talk and hang out and everyone is happy. However, when he's away, there is little or no communication and I have expressed my concerns about this to which his response has been that he is sorry, he has been very busy but he will make more time. For the 3.5 years, my one cry has been communication. In the periods of silence, I have sought, prayed, fasted and tried to move on. Sometimes I think I have succeeded to get on with my life and I even stop thinking of him, but whenever he comes back into my life after even up to 8 months or a year. I can only resist him so much!!! He always manages to win me over somehow.
He was last home last month. Before then, he was the last thing on my mind because I had given up on us. Somehow, he managed to renew the dream and rekindle my love for him, apologized for disappointing me, made clear his position and intentions for us, took me home to meet his parents and I thought, the brother has finally got his act together.
Now he's gone Dr. and I get an occasional call or e-mail from him. I'm a nice person and I expect better, actually the best because I always strive to give the best. I am beginning to think this is the best he knows and honestly it's not enough and may never get to the desired level. I need to make a wise decision once and for all whether to cut my losses or stick it out...and I need divine guidance. I have been praying because sometimes I make decisions which are subjective, influenced heavily by my emotions...because I so totally love him.
I'm waiting with bated breath to hear your take on this one
My dear Flock Member,
You have the answers to your questions but you are afraid to give them to yourself. So what you are asking of me is to validate your answer, and that I will. There is an old adage that says, "misery likes company." In your case, you know the expected outcome of the relationship you have described to me, but you are courting it anyway.
Here are my assessments
1. Communication problem. Did you know that communication is the number 1 problem in marriage? Now you are praying for a relationship that already has the number 1 problem. Does that make sense to you? Currently I am in Nairobi, Kenya. I just did a seminar on Sunday evening on Communication, I gave my audience the same assignment I give around the world. From a list of 11 items, they are to select the top three they consider create more problems in marriage. Guess what! they selected the same one every other group has selected and that is COMMUNICATION. Think for your self, would you buy a car if the seller tells you he is having major problems with the engine? Would you pray to God asking Hi to help you to get this car? I know you know better than that.
2 Why is the Communication so little when he is away? Have you ever wondered why? Because his feelings for you fluctuates. In his case it is not absence makes the heart grow fonder, but absence makes the heart go wonder. He is wondering over and over again in his mind. Is this the girl I want to marry? do I really love her? can I spend the rest of my life with her? and because he is not sure he wants the relationship he stays far, knowing you will always be there, just in case he changes his mind. But guess what, if he changes his mind and marry you, you will be among all men most miserable.
3. Is it possible he is using you as convenience when he comes home? You are the best available to him at home and his stay will be a short one. So why not live it up and get all he can get, knowing he does not have to commit to you because you are so desperately in love with him. And you will settle for anything. He knows no matter how frustrated you get and try to break up the relationship, he has the key in his hands and he knows how to open the door and push the right button. And you are so weak, so loving, so foolish, so gullible, so infatuated, so frustrated, so needy of him, that you cannot let go and move on with your life? You have to keep running back to him, singing, "tears on my pillow, pain in my heart, you on my mind? Hello!! wake up, stop the dreaming, stop the praying, stop the irrational thinking, stop the denial, face your reality, break away, and don't be so weak and gullible. Remember, you are a child of the King.
4. Has it ever occurred to you that he might be in another relationship in the country he is studying? Hello! why is love so blind? wake up and smell the roses. How can someone say he loves you and refuse to talk to you. Not even to send emails? That's the least a lover could do. So you need to start thinking that there might just be someone else. As painful as that thought might be, it may just well be your reality. And forget about this foolishness that he took you and introduced you to his mother. So what? is your mother going to marry you? Tell him to introduce you to his HEART. If he loves you.
I guess enough is said. If you still have doubts as to weather or not you should go on with this relationship. Be my guest. As a matter of fact, if you do marry him, please remember my web address. I will be waiting for your call, and remember, my fees will be high, because I am good at what I do, and I did give you the "free" warning.