53 - I've had many issues with him regarding porn, cheating, masturbation,
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53. Dear Dr. Smith

I need prayer and help in the following areas:
My marriage: I'm currently separated from my husband. January xxx will be our 8th wedding anniversary. I've had many issues with him regarding porn, cheating, masturbation, and herpes caught from prostitutes. We have tried to work through two accounts, however the third account caused me to separate from him. I have forgiven him. I just don't know whether I am to reunite with him sometime in the future. The damage has caused me much hurt and pain. It has caused me to have find fault with me, my self worth, etc... I don't know if I can find myself being "in love" with him. I love and care for him though. (continue reading below for the rest...)

Dear Requesting Prayer & Help:                                                                                                   
Your request is so long that I have divided it up into the sections of concerned that you have given. Please note that my answer comes at the end of each section of concern.

My heart goes out to you because of the travail of your soul. Eight years is a very short time for a marriage to collapse to the level yours have, however, you need to know that your husband’s problem did not start just since you got married to him, but a long time ago. You are not the cause of his actions

His behavior suggests a person steeped into sexual sins. Unfortunately, you did not discover this before marriage. The issues you have identified, “porn, cheating, masturbation, prostitution and STD are deep chronic pathologies and should not be underestimated. Your husband does not need just prayer; he needs a psychologist or a mental health counselor. His mind is demented, his soul is scared, and his conscience is debilitating.

You said you do not know whether or not you should re-unite with him in the future, I do not know either. But I can tell you this, if your husband does not get therapeutic intervention, going back to him will only further destroys your sense of self, increases chronic pain, shatters any hope of happiness, bruises your desire to be whole, and deepens your depression. Should you settle for that? Only you can make that decision. The only thing I can say is that love must be tough, and meekness does not mean weakness. 

Second area is me of course. I need emotional and mental healing. I want to be made whole again. I desire a closer relationship with God. I know I need help with the foot work of making time for God. I know I need to grow in him. I'm living out of state with a member of my church, raising our daughter, and working. I need discipline in my walk with God. (To be continued)

When individuals are going through severe anguish, they sometimes let go their grip on God. Discouragement and disappointment are terrible tools that weaken spiritual commitment. The Psalmist Asap, in his moment of grief said, “verily I have cleansed my heart in vain” (73:23). Notice however, that Asap did not remain in his discouragement, he went into the sanctuary and commune with God and in the end he declared, “But it is good for me to draw near to God.” (v.28). The fact that you are aware of your need to walk closer with God is good. It means you are not in denial. You must now find the courage and strength to do the right thing. Draw close to Him. Fast and pray for strength, maybe get a prayer partner that can help you agonize with God. Wrestle with him like Jacob and say, “I will not let thee go unless thou bless me.”  (Gen 32: 26) Keep fighting; don’t give up, I will be praying for you. 

Third area is me as a Mother to my child. I've gone through a terrible child, teen, and young adulthood. I had a revelation that was so strong.. so deep. That my disconnection as a parent to my child started when my daughter was four. Which is when parenting went extremely wrong and terrible toward me. I was four when my life was changed by terrible decisions and every abuse was occurred. There needs to be some wholeness with me, so that I can break this generational curse and become adequate in my child's life.

I hear you loud and clear concerning your desire to have that mother/daughter bonding with your own sibling, which was not present in your family of origin. What you are experiencing is called “Multi-generational transmission process”. Dysfunctional patterns of behaviors that exist in one generation can be transmitted unto the next generation and the next and so on. The pathology can be broken however, and this is what I am hearing you wanting to do. In your case it might be so chronic that you may need clinical intervention. In the meantime here are some suggestions that you may follow.

Accept the reality of your past and tell yourself that you must move on

Don’t see yourself as a victim see yourself as a survivor, and give yourself hope to move on

Heal yourself form that “revelation” that you described as “so strong, so deep” it is over, move on. And whatever neglects you gave to your child, you must see it as the past and now cherish the present moment to heal, bond and restore quality time with her.

Take the failures of your parent/s and turn them into strengths for you and your daughter.

We are all creatures of change, so you have the God given skills to change everything about yourself through the power of Christ. Remember, “you can do all things through Christ who strengthens you” (Phil 4:13)

Accentuate the positive. Stay focus, plan your life, set goals, love your daughter, love yourself and love your God.

Keep God in the center of your attempt to become whole. Don’t be discouraged.


I feel inadequate as a human being and in every area of my life. I once took an entire bottle of pills and God just would not let me die. When my husband came along, I was whole and happy at last. However, he was the last to break my heart and as for my daughter, I poured myself into her. Everything was fine until I made a decision to put her in the care of others, because I had to work. She was neglected so bad that it regressed her in all areas to this day. She has medical, mental, and emotional issues. I felt that was the very last area I had to cling to and do my very best and I felt like I had failed. I just can't seem to want or desire to go on. Please pray for me! Thanks.

 

Your feelings of inadequacy come from an unwillingness to accept yourself for who you are. You need to emphasize

your strengths and work on your weaknesses. But you are all that you have and you have to learn to love yourself. Each time you find someone you find joy and happiness, well, that’s what you think. But they are not “true joy” and “true happiness” what you experienced in relationships is called “pseudo-mutuality”. It’s a false concept of wholeness with someone. And that’s why you are so hurt each time the relationship fails. Even the way you submerged yourself into your own child is a classic example of your search for wholeness and you are hoping that she will help to make you complete. But it is a futile and false search because you must first find joy and happiness within you.

No one can make you whole if you are empty inside. What you get is temporary only to shatter your hopes later. The attempt to take your life was part of that shattering. No matter what you are going through, please remember, that no one or anything is worth dying over. Christ has already paid the ultimate sacrifice, He is not asking us to die for Him but to live for Him. Tell yourself that from now on you will live for your Master and wont attempt dying because of anyone.

 

I am sorry to hear about your daughter but she is young enough to grow out of her painful past. Please see if you can get some professional help for her and yourself too. It can only help not hurt. Again I must register my deep empathy for you and to let you know I have added you and your daughter on to my prayer list. Keep strong, never let go of the hand of God. Remember, there is never an eternal night. “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy commeth in the morning.”  Prov 30: 5. 

 

God bless, be strong.

 

Dr. Smith.