68 -- Please help me, I hate sex and I am married, what should I do?
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68. Dear Dr. Smith
Please help me, I hate sex and I am married, what should I do?

Dear Sex hater,
If I were to be trivial I would answer your question by simply saying, “just start loving sex”. But I know that your question is much deeper than that.  So, let me start by saying, several factors can be stated as to why a married person might not have interest in sex. To understand those factors, one would have to explore questions such as:

1) Why do you hate sex?
•    Is it because of your Christian upbringing?
•    Is it because of your socialization?
•    Is it because of your environment?
•    Is it that you hate sex or that you have no desire for sex?
•    Do you have painful teen-age memories?
•    Is sex painful or unfulfilling?
•    Do you have poor self-esteem?

2) How toxic is your relationship?
•    Are their instances of abuse?
•    Are there un-resolved issues?
•    Are their deep relationship wounds?
•    Are there frequent arguments and or fights?

3) When did you start hating sex?
•    Are you on any medication with possible side effect?
•    Have you had surgery?
•    Are there any physical disabilities?
•    Do you have children, how many, how old?
•    Were you molested as a child?
•    Have you ever been raped?
•    Have you had an abortion?
•    Did you have sex outside of marriage?
•    If so, how early did you start?
•    Were there multiple partners?
•    Have you caught an incurable STD?
•    Is there a sexual dysfunction?

Sex is an integral part of marriage, couples do not have the right to defraud each other except it’s with consent and that should be only for a time. (1 Cor 7:5).  It is difficult to be your own therapist; therefore, I recommend that you get professional help with this problem.
God bless.

Dr. Smith