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Dear Dr. Smith
Dear Dr. Smith
My husband confessed to me that he was bi-sexual prior to his conversion. However, six years into our marriage he starts expressing homosexual feelings again. He is now refusing me intimacy; he claims that he has lost his sexual feelings for me. How should I react? If Bill’s behavior continues, is it right to seek a divorce? Is there any hope for Bill?
Confused and distraught.
Dear Confused and Distraught,
I can understand the reason for your confusion and being distraught. Your problem is a multi-faceted one. There is, however, an important element that is left out of your question, i.e., did Bill confess to you as well, prior to marrying you, that he was once bi-sexual? That bit of information would make a whole lot of difference in the way I respond to you.
For example, if you knew that he was bi-sexual before marriage, then, you did not walk into that situation blindly, and you have to now face your reality. Questions like, what was the extent of his bi-sexual relationship? How did he stop? How long did it last? Why did he stop? When did he stop? Was therapy involved? What convinced you that he was changed? Did you discuss this with anyone? Did you seek professional help for your self to understand what you were getting into? Are questions that you would need to provide me with answers.
However, if you did not know that he was bi-sexual prior to marriage, then that’s another story, and your confusion is self-explanatory. Let me attempt answering you from this perspective. To ask questions like, can your husband change? Is he willing to change? Is there help for him? Is there help for the marriage? Only God has the ultimate answer.
While conversion can and does take care of a multitude of sins, there are some aspects of the human nature that need to be treated clinically. A bi-sexual person is one such example. Your husband needs help beyond himself. You need to check to see if there is anything that is causing the re-emergency of his homosexual feelings. For example, what type of friends is he hanging out with? What is his Internet use? Is he exposed to pornography? etc. Sometimes these situations act as triggers to one's buried past. It is obvious that your husband has not escaped his painful past.
The best think to do at this moment, is to stay calm. Get a hold of yourself, assess the situation and manage the problem. You cannot afford to fall apart. Both you and your husband need professional help. I don’t mean that you visit the therapist two or three times. I mean spending time in therapy and get the help necessary for change. I hope he is willing to do that for himself, his family and most of all, God.
You asked if he continues his behavior if you should seek a divorce. But continue what, his bi-sexual feelings or withholding intimacy? You have no Biblical grounds on which to divorce him if he only harbors bi-sexual feelings. However, if he refuses to grant conjugal right, then that is another story. If after careful intervention from your pastor, a therapist or family members, he still refuses to have intimacy with you, then by all means, you do have a right to end the marriage. He would have become unfaithful to the marriage vow.
Most of all, “yes” there is hope for your husband if he is willing to 1) re-commit his life to Christ and 2) get himself into therapy.
I pray that God will give you the strength as you work through your confusion. I will be praying.
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org