Dear Dr. Smith
159. He says I would be the happiest wife if I let him continue his affair
Dear Dr. Smith,
I found out five month ago that my husband is having an affair with another woman for the past ten months. He claims that they are husband and wife because he doesn’t believe in cheating. I was pregnant and during the pregnancy I was unable to have sex. He claims that he was burning so that’s the reason why he did it, but he did not want me to find out.
Now that I have found out, he told me that he made some promises to this woman and that he gave her his word and she keeps reminding him of what he said. They are not married but he claims that he is just doing what the bible said. He is using the bible to justify what he is doing. He said that the men of old did it and that God allowed it. He said that he does not believe what he is doing is wrong.
I don't believe what he is doing is right, we have been married for ten year now, and this is our only problem and it started since my pregnancy. Now he wants to continue with the relationship and tells me that I could be the happiest person in the world if I would agree to let him continue to see the other woman. He wants to spend two night a week with her and the other five with me and the three children. I don't believe in what he is doing and I will not agree to it.
I have cried for five months and I have not talked to anyone about it. I feel like giving up at times but he said that he is not leaving. According to him, that’s not what he wants but it’s hard to give up the other woman, so she will have to settle for the two nights. We are both members of the church. Please, can you help me and pray for us?
Dear Worried Wife,
Tell your husband to go jump into the lake with his request. Tell him to fly a kite with his elaborate biblical hoax. You would be dumb, stupid, an idiot, an imbecile, a charlatan, a mountebank, a fool if you go along with his outrageous, irrational, selfish, sinful, narcissistic, indecent, ungodly and unholy suggestion.
You husband is taking you for a real fool by making such an imprudent suggestion. And the fact that five months have passed and you have taken no serious action means that you are endorsing his thinking. To have the gall to say that he does not believe in cheating, therefore they are married, makes him; disgusting, despising, despicable, nauseating and bombastic. He is a sick person to make such a neurotic statement.
Tell that clown that his bed will be in HELL if he keeps using the bible as a blanket for his sin. Polygamy was practice in the bible but it was never sanction by God. As a matter of fact, when Jesus came, He re-iterated and endorsed the original will of God for marital fidelity (Matt 5:32, 19:5, 9). Your pregnancy has nothing to do with his cheating; it is just a flimsy excuse he is making. If he is hot tell him to take a shower, say a prayer, drink some lemonade, or do some exercise, but don’t come to you with such outrageous, toxic, dehumanizing, unconscionable, iconoclastic and lame-duck suggestion.
The happiness your husband is suggesting, is a happiness that is equal to the slave trade in Africa, the holocaust in Germany, the genocide in Rwanda, the 9/11 disaster in New York, the drug trade in Columbia, the ethnic cleansing in Bosnia and the tsunami in Japan. His proposal of five nights with you and two nights with the woman is like a knife in the heart, a snake in the grass, the poison in the meal, or a kick in the rear. Tell him to take his indecent proposal and go for a long walk off a short pier.
I can’t believe he had the audacity to tell you that he made some “promises” to this woman and that he gave her “his word”. So what about “ his word” that he gave you before God and the minister at the altar? What about the promises he made in his marriage vow to, “forsake all others and keep himself only unto you?”. Are the private promises he made to this woman and in front of Satan more sacred than the public ones he made with you before God? Is his flattery to this woman more important than his vow to you? Ask your husband if he is smoking marijuana because his brain is fried, parched, roasted and toasted.
It is time you stop the crying though, five months is too long. Get up, get dress, and fight back. Fight back with a passion. Tell your husband enough of this garbage, tell him to take his sewer like behavior and go to the woman if that’s what he wants, or be a God fearing Christian gentleman and repent of his sins and stabilize his marriage. If he does not stop, take him to the pastor and church board. You have been covering up for him for too long. You are medicating his behavior. Stop being afraid of a possible divorce, and expose him if he will not desist. If he is going to leave you, he will, you cannot stop him. But don’t you dare try to hold the marriage on you knees begging and acting like a doormat. Meekness is not weakness.
You are a child of the universe. You have a right to be here. God created you in His own image; therefore, believe in yourself. You are a child of promise; you are from the prince of peace, so, stand up for principles, though the heavens fall. Remember, if you don’t stand for something you will fall for anything. Right now you are falling for anything. Change that course; love yourself and your children. Don’t be a wimp. Be bold and brave enough to say to your husband “choose ye this day, the woman or me, but not the two of us”. Let him hear it in your voice, see it in your eyes and feel it in your passion. Take charge of your home and let this garbage stop once and for all.
Dr. Alanzo Smith is the Family Counselor for the Greater New York Conference. He is a Psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Mental Health Counselor (LMHC).
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