121. I am separated from that jerk and it's killing me
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I cannot deal with this pain that lingers within me. I am separated from my spouse, that jerk and it’s killing me inside. I cry myself to sleep at nights and sometimes I feel like ending it all. It hurts so badly, God knows it hurts and I don’t know what to do. Please help me I am dying inside.

Dear Hurting Spouse
Your feeling of ambiguity is funny. On the one hand you are calling him a jerk and on the other hand you are thinking of ending your life. Would you end your life over a jerk? Why are you pining after a jerk?

I am not insensitive to your pain, as a matter of fact, I understand the ambiguity. At the moment you are angry but regardless of your feeling, suicide is not an option. I cannot begin to count the amount of times I have said this to hurting people. Suicide is never, ever an option. There are no winners and you are definitely the looser.

Before we can fully understand the impact of a separation and the human behavior associated with it, we must first have some understanding of the meaning of the relationship. When Joseph was separated from his father, Jacob went into deep depression, he refused to be comforted;” (Gen 37:34-35) Forming attachments with significant others is considered normal behavior, therefore, when a separation occurs the following experiences are likely.

Sadness: Some people try to block feelings of sadness through excessive activities, only to find that the sadness lingers, nevertheless.
Anger: when anger is turned inward, it may lead to depression or suicide. 
Loneliness: friends and family may be a distraction for social loneliness but they are unable to replace emotional loneliness.
Helplessness: separation often leaves one feeling helpless. They may result in despair
Shock: occurs most often in the case of a sudden separation.
Yearning: is a normal response to separation, when the attachment was strong.
Suicidal Ideation:  often people consider ending their lives when they are hurting. For the most part these are just ideations, nonetheless, some do go on to commit the suicide. Suicide, however, should never be an option. Period.

Understanding  and Coping with the Separation Process

1.  Admit to the Feelings that Come From the Separation
The first task of healing from the pain of separation is to admit that the separation has occurred. There should be no denial.

2.  Work Through the Painful of the Separation
It is important to face the pain of separation. Do not try to avoid it or to suppress it.

3.  Accept the circumstances of your new situation 
Whatever the experience of your separation, accept it. Let go of self-pity.   

4.  Move on With Your Life
Withdraw the emotional energy from the circumstances of the separation and re-invest them in self and  in a relationship with God. 

5.  Let Go and Let God
God has ultimate control over your life, let go and let Him lead. His assurance, “When thou passest through the waters, I will be with thee;” (Isa 43:2). Accept that God is in control.

6.  You are Never Alone
It does not matter the magnitude of the separation, you are never alone, for God is with you. He has promised that He will never leave you, nor forsake you. (Heb 13:5)  Remember, you and God are majority.

Keep strong, keep courageous, pray constantly for this too will pass away. God bless.

Dr. Smith
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org