128. When I watched porn I love it, but I feel dirty when I'm done and...
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Dear Dr. Smith,

I am a Christian woman who saw porn tapes from a very young age; these tapes belonged to my mother, brother and my two step dads. I became a Christian and stopped watching porn for years. I am now married with children, but I now discovered that my husband is watch porn too. Even though I confronted him and felt hurt that he does that, somehow, I started watching it again after all those years of abstinence.

For two years now, my porn addiction has come back to haunt me, I go through long periods of not watching it, and then boom! Again I fail. I recently told my husband that sometimes I watch porn on the computer and he laughed and said he didn't really care, but that I should just ignore my thoughts and not watch it. I did not tell him however, that I know that he was still watching porn.

We discussed it again and we both agreed not to watch anymore porn, but over the last two months he has started watching it again. I feel it's all getting back to me. I don't want to preach to him about watching porn, because I do the same or even worse. When I watched porn I love it, but I feel dirty when I'm done and I feel so terrible.

I think about our two babies and us being their perverted parents. I am well aware of how much this hurts God. Porn has ruined me, it really has, I never thought I would go so low… I am sexually addicted. I don't read the bible anymore, I feel like a hypocrite and I don't want to go to church anymore. Worst of all, I teach the children's class. I'm sure you are reading this and feel disgusted. I wonder what God thinks of me. Please let me know what you think, it would be helpful for somebody to tell me what they think.


Dear Confused and Distraught,

Your story is a very sad one, however, there is hope and redemption for you through the blood of Jesus Christ and Christian Therapy. I am glad you took the time to reach out to me. Here are my reactions and suggestions.

1.  I saw porn tapes from a very young age.
This is when the damage was done; it is called “Childhood wounds”. When exposed to such early horrific graphic images they never leave your memory but are stored for future use. They can follow you throughout life, infecting your relationships well into adulthood, and create a plethora of problems along the way.

2.  These tapes belonged to my mother, brother and my two step dads.
In this statement lies the second reason for your problem, because it is also part of your socialization and environment. The chronicity of the problem lies in the fact that your caregivers and sibling justified the behavior. It was transmitted to you in either an overt or covert way and it has left and indelible impression on your brain.

3.  I now discovered that my husband is watching porn.
What you saw him doing acted as a combustible flame that ignited the lava of your berried volcano. As you know, the rest is history.

4.  I don't want to preach to him about watching porn, because I do the same or even worse.
Both you and your husband need professional help. Neither of you can help the other and no matter which one of you may feel strong the other will only pull him/her down. Please listen to me, this addiction is so venomous, that you cannot afford to play around any longer, if you do, before you know it, you will be passing on to your children that which your parents have passed on to you. Can you in good faith afford to take such a risk?

5.  When I watched porn I love it, but I feel dirty when I'm done and I feel so terrible.
Your ambivalent feelings can best be described as “The Pleasure Principle” In Freudian psychology, the pleasure principle is the concept of seeking pleasure yet wanting to avoid pain. What you need to implement is “The Reality Principle” this calls for avoiding gratification because of the immediate or future consequences. Another sophisticated yet easier way to describe the behavior is “The SIN Principle” but the cure for sin is godly sorrow for it and a turning away from it.

6.  I think about our two babies and us being their perverted parents.
This in and of itself should give you enough cause to desist. They are your treasures, God lone them to you, to mold and fashioned after His Divine Image. Do not throw away your God give responsibility for temporary perverted pleasure.

7.  I don't read the bible anymore, I feel like a hypocrite and I don't want to go to church.
Your behavior is called “self-fulfilling prophecy” the more you don’t do these things the weaker you get and the less likely your chances are to overcome your weakness. I strongly urged that you go back to the basics of reading the word of God, fasting, praying and going back to church. This must be tied in with professional counseling. Remember, God help those who help themselves.

8.  Worst of all, I teach the children's class.
STOP! Don’t go any further. For God’s sake give up this responsibility. Find an excuse; make up a story, whatever you have to do to stop teaching the children, do it. And please don’t beguile yourself into thinking that you can work on yourself while teaching the children. Just be honest with yourself and give up the position.

9.  I wonder what God thinks of me.
He thinks of you as a sinner whom He wants to save by his amazing grace. Remember, “if we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive and to cleans from all unrighteousness” (1Jn 1:9) All you have to do is to confess, forsake and He will do the rest.

Again, I thank you for reaching out to me. I genuinely believe that you want to stop this dysfunctional behavior and I know by the grace of God you can. You have to fight it though, it’s a war, it’s demonic and it’s dangerous but “you can do all thing through Christ who strengthens you. (Phil 4:13) Keep courage, get help and work at it. Yes, sin has a remedy, that remedy is in Jesus Christ our Lord. Therefore, never loose hope, keep praying.

I am and will continue to pray for you as well.

God bless.

Dr. Smith
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org