131. I suffered emotional pain due to...
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Dear Dr. Smith

I suffered emotional pain due to the neglect and betrayal my partner exposed me to. I am trying to understand, hoping to get some sort of closure and eventually forgive him, but I don't seem to get it right. Everything is so bottled up inside of me since he does not want to talk about it, although he has indicated that he wants us to try again on the relationship. We have a child, but not married. I want to forgive him, but I keep on accusing and judging him without any justification.

Sometimes I think I'm even punishing him, because I seem to have surrounded myself with a very thick wall which makes it difficult for us to communicate. The story is quite long, but the main point is I need God to help me overcome this. I need him to show me what to do, i.e forgive him and work on the relationship or forgive and leave him. I love him but if it is God's will that I should leave him, then I will do it.

Please pray for me!

Dear Friend,
I hear you frustration and sense your pain as you are seeking to navigate your friendship relationship. You are crying out for help because you are hurting but you have not given enough substantive information for me to help you through this medium. There is even a sense of ambiguity in your statements. On the one hand you are saying that your husband has neglected and betrayed you and on the other hand you are saying you are accusing and judging him without “any” justification. I don’t understand. Do you have justification or do you not?

In any event, here are my recommended suggestions:

1.    Forgiveness is your greatest asset. It frees the soul to live, to love and to serve God. Therefore, you should forgive your friend. Forgiveness however, does not mean you have to accept his dysfunctional behavior for life. If he refuses to change, you do have the right to say, ‘I forgive you but I do not accept your unwillingness to change’. This may mean that you might have to take steps to free your soul and end the relationship. Remember, God loves the sinner but hates the sin.

2.    You both need to get married if you choose to stay together. Living as you are doing now is not accepted by God and your greatest desire should be to please Him.

3.    If your friend is not willing to talk about your frustration and pain, then it might be an indication that he is not the right person for you. If he is this way now and you are not married to him, can you imagine what he will be like when you are married?

4.    Since I do not know the nature of your problem I cannot give you counsel as to what to do or how to handle the situation. But from what you have said of your frustration, you should try and get some professional help. By talking to a professional, you will be able to get rid of those pent up feelings.

5.    No matter what is happening in your relationship, do not judge your friend, if you have facts confront him and talk about those issues.

6.    Most of all, you are so right, you need God to show you what to do. But remember that you cannot use God out of convenience, you do not ask for help when you are in a plight but forget him when things seem to be OK. I recommend that you turn over your life completely to Him.

May God’s blessings be upon you, be encouraged, I am praying for you and your situation.

God bless.

Dr. Smith
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org