Departments and Ministries
Dear Dr. Smith
Dear Dr. Smith
I am pregnant for a man who is not my husband, my husband does not know this but thinks the baby I am carrying is his. I still talk to the real father, but he says he will not own the child if I don’t want him to. My questions are: one, should I tell my husband the truth? I know he will not take this well and may even ask for a divorce. Two, if I don’t tell him, at what point in the child’s life should I let him know his real father. How can I be sure that the real father will not claim his child some day? Worried wife.
Dear worried wife,
If I may borrow a quote from the late Sir Walter Scott, it says, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!” There is not another statement that could be more apropos to your situation than this one. Unfortunately, your situation is not unique, but there are millions of children who are conceived without the knowledge of the other marital spouse. The magnitude of the problem, however, does not nullify it’s toxicity, and spouses need to take marital fidelity more seriously.
Having said that, let me be more specific to the issues and questions you raised.
1. My husband does not know this but thinks the baby I am carrying is his. Your husband is bonding with a child he thinks is his. He is doing the right thing, it’s all part of the attachment theory, he is bonding with his child. The stronger you see this bond developing the more pain it should cause you, knowing that one day it could all blow up in your face.
2. I still talk to the real father. You need to desist from talking to this man. Already you have created an unhealthy environment for your family, continuing communication will only make mattes worse. Besides, you have feelings for him, remember you are carrying his baby, (have you forgotton how babies are formed? Hello!) If you do not create distance between you both, a second problem may soon arise. It is called the enticement of sin.
3. He says he will not own the child if I don’t want him to. Do you want him to? Ironically, you did not say. In any event, you have no guarantee that the way he feels today will be the way he feels tomorrow. Besides, how do you know that he will not hold you hostage later? What might he do if you refuse him sex later? Some people don't take rejection lightly. Indeed, your web is “webby”
4. Should I tell my husband the truth? This is the quintessential question confronting you, “to do or not to do”. The answer to your question could be a “catch-22”. The easier path of the catch, is to live the lie, but it could have sever and devastating consequences if the truth is revealed later. The tougher path is to confess the truth but that too could have severe and devastating consequences, including divorce or separation. While you are asking for my professional counsel on this question, I am afraid I cannot give you one, you see, if you follow my counsel and it backfires, you will blame me and not your action. You will have to take this one to the Lord and beg for his forgiveness and guidance.
5. At what point in the child’s life should I let him know his real father. This depends on what course of action you decided upon. If your husband does not know it would be cruel to tell the child. In this case “silence would be golden”.
6. How can I be sure that the real father will not claim his child some day? You cannot. You will live with this fear until the day he dies. The ultimate price for an unfaithful choice.
My prayers are with you, there are no winners here, except the one who sperm the child. My hope is that you have learned your lesson and that the future will provide for you and oasis of forgiveness.
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org