165. He said I should abort...
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Dear Dr. Smith

I fell dismally a couple of years ago and disappointed the church, the youth and mainly my heavenly Father. I got pregnant and had a baby for a married man. I advised the church, and I was sanctioned. This has since been lifted and I am free to serve again.
 
When I discovered that I was pregnant I told him and he said I should abort. I asked some elders in the church for advise and abortion was not an option. The father insisted I abort. I told him I will keep my child and he said if I do then I am making that decision on my own. I kept my child.
 
Since I told him I was keeping the baby, I have not heard from him again, it’s close to 3 years now. I have tried to get in touch with him but to no avail. May I be clear; I am not looking for him so that we can be together. I have since confessed and asked God for forgiveness, help and guidance in going forward. However, I really do not want my son to grow up not knowing his father. How do I handle this?  

I don’t want to cause any harm and danger to his family and marriage that is why I do not call or harass him. However, I would appreciate some form of support financially. I am managing mow because of the love and grace of God and his provision.
 
How do I heal from the sudden rejection of baby and me? Surely we could be in communication for the sake of his child but correct me if I am wrong.
 
Regards.   
 

My dear Sister,

It was the late Sir. Walter Scott who wrote, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive.” Sad to say your wounds are self-inflicted or from friendly fire, but the real victim here is the baby. You both have eaten your cherry pie, but this poor child is left without a father and has a wounded woman for his mother.

I can understand when a woman makes a mistake and gets pregnant for a single man. I do not condone the behavior and the Bible has already defined it as sin. But I can understand and empathize with such a one. However, when a woman deliberately goes to bed with a married man, and then gets pregnant for him, that, I don’t understand. But I guess it all part of the insatiable narcissistic satisfaction.

Your renewed relationship with Jesus Christ is commendable, but that has nothing to do with a boy who doesn't know his father at best and at worst, his father does not want him. You can get re-baptized a million times but that does not change his reality. He will forever remain a part of the statistic, “a fatherless child”. This is certainly not a priceless gift to give to your son.

That charlatan wanted you to abort, and you did not. That’s the one sensible thing you have done, apart from coming back to the Lord. Abortion is not like going to the dentist and having a tooth pull. It has lasting emotional, psychological and spiritual consequences, so I salute you for not participating in this unjustified act.

Unfortunately, you cannot force him to be a father if he only wants to remain a sperm donor. At the same time you should not let him off the hook, he must provide financial support for his child. If you have to tell his wife, tell her, if you have to take him to court, take him, but the one thing he must not get away with and that is, "to drink the milk and then starve the calf".

While you may not want your son to grow up not knowing his father, you don’t have much of a choice. If he chooses not to be in the life of his kid, there is nothing you can do about it. So you have to become the best Mom to him and let his grandfather, uncle or some other significant male help play an important roll in his life. When he is of age, you can talk to him about his dad, but not in a negative way.

You said that you don’t want to cause any harm or danger to his family or marriage, but the damage is already done. It’s too late to be thinking this way. Besides, he should have thought of that as well before coming to you with his demonic diabolic deception.

Time will heal the pain in your heart, and I will also help you pray for that healing. It is not a good idea to stay in communication with him. The less you talk the better it will be for all the parties involved. However he should be free to communicate with his son.

I know I sound hard, but I don’t want you to make the same mistake ever again. Keep close to God, and bring your son up in the way of the Lord. If you have genuinely asked for forgiveness, He has already forgiven you. So let His peace rest in your heart. Thanks for reaching out to me. Keep strong, keep courageous, and remember, one mistake does not change the special child you are to God and it should not change your feelings of specialness.

God bless.

Dr. Smith.
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org