187. I was an absolute shameful pig...
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Dear Dr. Smith
My fiancée and I had a four-year relationship but I failed to keep God at the center of our relationship. She extended nothing but love to me, as I steadily tried to convince myself and her that we were not meant to be together, and worked to sabotage the relationship. I was an absolute shameful pig. I invested emotionally in other people, places, work, school and family, anything but her. I romantically pursued another woman while we were still together, and I never cared enough to listen to the hurt and pain I was causing her.

I found out through a friend of hers that she would at times lay awake and sob herself to sleep at night, wondering why she wasn’t good enough, attractive enough, tall enough, skinny enough, whatever the case was, for me. I broke up with her saying that I wanted space and for us to be just friends. It crushed her heart.

After some time, I went back to her and begged her to forgive me and take me back and she declined. She felt a cloud was lifted and she didn’t want to be depressed anymore from hurting again. It crumbled and crushed my spirit to hear it, over the next two weeks I did everything I possibly could to try and win her back (I even went as far as to try and deceive her into talking to me again).

The love God has given me for her now is unlike anything I have ever experienced before. It is the most beautiful, peaceful, contented, all encompassing sacrificial feeling, and it is truly beyond description or comprehension. Though I intend to spend every day praying and waiting for the chance to finally be for HER what she was for ME, no matter how many months and years it may take, this prayer request is for her, not myself.

I hurt her deeply and the most shameful part is realizing that I wasn’t even paying attention. I am praying so hard for her emotional healing, and for her to have joy and peace again, and I’m asking that you would pray also.
Pray that the Lord heals and moves her spirit and her heart. Pray that His will be done in our lives and that if He wills, that He would fill her with love and a softened heart. Pray that Christ will fill her again with love and that He will shine so brightly through the new man He has made me that my name, my reputation and trust will be restored

Dear Hurting Lover,
You are asking for prayer for your Ex., but prayer will not and cannot cover up the damage you have done to her. Luckily for her, she has mustered the courage and with God's help to move on. Good for her. You must also do the same, move on too. You have hurt her enough, stop trying to win her back through a plethora of prayer and what maybe just an artificial posture to repentance. Oftentimes it is the dark forest that makes us think about light. You have lost your bone, by going after other bones, it seems as if you were on the beach picking up pebbles while loosing a diamond at home. Too bad!

On the other hand, if you have truly seen yourself and your mistakes, then, good for you. Accept them and start working on them, so that you can be a better person in the future.  However, do not fool yourself into thinking that you LOVE her because you have LOST her and want her back. That’s not love that’s infatuation. Therefore, focus on yourself and your change process and stop asking for pray for her. God has given her deliverance, leave her alone, if she survived living with you, she will survive living without you. Get over it, move on and stop hoping, wishing, longing and praying for her to come back. You have already made your bed hard, start adjusting to sleeping in it.

There is no question that I will be praying for both of you, but my prayer will be for both of you to move on with your individual lives and pick up the broken pieces and put them in God's hands. You have damaged her too much for her to live with you in a peaceful, loving and happy relationship. Too much scar, too much pain, too much brokenness, too much low self-esteem, she needs time to discover herself again and to heal. God do mend broken vases, but He does not always put back the same flowers in them.

I pray that you truly learn from this experience, and realize that you can’t just hurt people, discard them and then want them back again. I pray that you understand that people have feelings and you don't just crush those feelings as if it's no big deal. You are asking for prayer, but along with prayer you need a good dose of reality check. You should go in for therapy, because you not only suffer from a narcissistic personality but also delusionary distortion. To hurt someone to the core of what you have explained is sickening and you need professional help, not just prayer. If you don’t get the help, you will repeat the behavior as soon as your emotion dies down.

May God give you the strength to get the right help. May you get over your self acquired emotional lust for this lady and may you feel His peace in your heart and sense His grace as He gives you the forgiveness your soul desperately craves.

As tough as my response has been, it was necessary. God bless and I will still pray for you.

Dr. Smith,
For more information about Dr. Smith's services go to www.familyfixers.org