191. This breakup is so hurtful, stressful and emotionally draining
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Dear Dr. Smith

I pray it is God's will to restore a broken relationship between my boyfriend and me. We had a big argument over something very minor. He called me but I didn't hear my cell phone ringing, I was on the train at the time and had no signal. The other reason was that I didn't buy him a bottle of hot sauce and that is because I had been continuously buying different grocery items for him, and I needed the money to buy something for myself.

The biggest problem with him is that he has very poor temper control, also, when we have fights or arguments, he always puts the blame on me, even when it’s his fault. He told me that he doesn't love me anymore, and that I am not to call him again, which is very hurtful. I didn't believe him at first, but now I am starting to believe him, because he hasn't called me or reached out to me in any kind of way. He is acting as if he hates me now.

The reason why this breakup is so hurtful, stressful and emotionally draining is because I saved his life more than once, and he has shown no gratitude, love or appreciation for what I've done for him.  I have really been there for him and stuck by him on several occasion. He lives in a supported housing program, and once we were shouting and arguing so loudly that some folks came knocking on his door asking if everything was okay. After the incident, he blamed me for everything.

I really love this man, he is my soul mate, even though he has anger management issues, we were together for five and a half years. Even though he hasn't acknowledged it I believe he is bipolar. I would really like to be there by his side to support him with everything he is going through, but how can I do that if he is pushing me away.

I would also like prayer for God to help him to control his emotions and temper, so that maybe we can get along better, and be able to communicate, because that is another bad thing when he gets angry with me he will not communicate with me at all. I am very stressed out over this situation, I cannot eat or sleep very well at all, and over the past couple of weeks I have been feeling like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and suicide.

Dear Brokenhearted.

I need this time to have a serious talk with you. You are loosing your mind over that which isn’t worth it. Let me examine the facts that you have presented and show you how irrational and obsessed you have allowed yourself to become over someone who doesn’t deserve you.

1.    You would love for God to restore your broken relationship. This is like saying I would love for God to give me back my misery. If you think you are broken now, just wait until you get back with him and he starts hurting you again, emotionally, physically and psychologically. Then you will know brokenness.

2.    We had a big argument over something minor. For you it was minor but for him it was major.  Firstly, you didn’t answer the phone when he called, so he is thinking, you are his “property” and “possession”, who dare you not to answer the phone? Who dare you not to have signals on your phone when he wants to talk to his property? Secondly, you didn’t buy him the hot sauce. You had the audacity to use your OWN money to buy something for YOURSELF that you needed, when he wants hot sauce? Who dare you? How on earth could you be thinking about your self, when you are just his property, when he the “Prince of Earth” needs hot sauce. My dear lady, get our of your stupor and understand that this is called “CONTROL”.  Of course, you are still praying to God and asking Him to let this controlling guy make up with you.

3.    The biggest problem with him is that he has very poor temper control. Imagine, you are not married to him and already he has “poor temper control”, so when you are married to him, what will he have? Can you think with your brain for one moment and not with your feelings? Do you really know what you are crying for and begging God for? God in His infinite love and mercy for you has given you deliverance and you are begging Him to reverse that.

4.    He also told me that he doesn't love me anymore. He is saying that to you but you are hearing or dreaming the opposite. Why? Because you desperately want him to love you. You would rather live in your denial. Does that make sense to you?

5.    I really love this man, he is my soul mate, even though he has anger management issues. Your love for this man is blind, deaf & dumb. In short it is irrational.  Your feelings are incongruent and your passion morose. What has this man done to your self-esteem that you no longer regard yourself as a wholesome person? Why can’t you wish for yourself something better? How low must you fall before you see the apathy of your soul? What childhood damage have you experienced that has crippled your brain?  Where is your sense of personhood? What will it take for you to see yourself as a precious, anointed, redeemed child of God? Where is your sense of pride? Why have you given up on yourself?

6.    I think he is bi-polar. I believe your LOVE is bi-polar. Because if you think he is bi-polar, doesn't love you, is controlling, not working, you have to supporting him, treats you like dirt, has anger management problem, does not communicate well, and is ungrateful to you, and you still loves him, then that’s bi-polar love.

7.    I am very stressed out over this situation, I cannot eat or sleep very well at all, and over the past couple of weeks I have been feeling like I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and suicide. Your irrational concept of your love life is creating your emotional confusion. You must therefore, ask yourself some rational questions: (a) If I get a nervous break down, what are the chances of my ex-boyfriend coming back to me? (b) If I commit suicide what are my chances of repairing the broken pieces of my life? If I stress myself out, stop eating and sleeping will this affect my health? Is loosing my ex-boyfriend the end of the world? Is my ex-boyfriend stressing himself out? Is he loosing his night’s rest or stop eating? Is he soon to get a nervous break down? Is he contemplating suicide? Please give yourself some rational answers to these questions.

I understand your feelings of brokenness and loss, but there are some things we should praise God for when we loose them rather than cherishing feelings of remorse.  There are some things in life that happen to us that we must rise up and call God blessed, and I think this is one of them. You do not know what God has delivered you from, stop begging for more pain and embrace His grace.

I will be praying for you, not for you to make up, but for you to have the guts and courage to move on. I am praying that God will give you the strength to overcome your feelings of loss and replace them with feelings of victory. I am praying that God will dry your tears and help you to see that behind every dark cloud there is a silver lining. Yes my dear, I am praying that you will move on from this pathological, dysfunctional loving feeling and replace it with positive, re-constructive, powerful feelings of a better self and a new You. Yes, for “You I am Praying”. Remember, “weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. (Ps 30:5) Please trust God with your life.

Dr. Smith
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