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Dear Dr. Smith
Dr. Alanzo Smith is the Family Counselor for the Greater New York Conference. He is a Psychotherapist, a Marriage & Family Therapist (LMFT) and a Mental Health Counselor (LMHC).
If you have a question that you would like him to answer, click here.
Dear Dr. Smith,
My husband gets voicemails on his phone from a mutual friend where she leaves very seductive messages such as saying “I miss you my love” and sings love songs for him. I recently saw that he sent a picture of his private part to a woman on his phone. What should I do or what should I say. How should I approach?
Dear Friend,
Clearly, your husband is acting inappropriately. His actions are telling that he is either committing physical adultery or spiritual adultery. These subliminal messages he is getting are seductive and destructive and if allowed to continue will eventually destroy your marriage. What amazed me though, are your words used to describe one of the ladies, you said, “My husband gets voicemails on his phone from a ‘mutual friend’. A mutual friend!! Are you for real? Did you say “FRIEND”? A friend is suppose to be; honest, trustworthy, considerate, compassionate, kind, loving, understanding, respectful, dependable, loyal, accepting, consistent, committed, supportive. Which of these characteristics would you give to your friend? Or, did you mean a backstabbing, conniving, undermining, snake-in-the grass person? Think again, someone telling your husband that she misses him and is singing love songs to him is not trying to convert him but is trying to seduce him.
The sending of his private part to a woman is disgusting at least and offensive at best. It’s call pornography and is a violation of his marital commitment. If his behavior is left unchecked there is a strong possibility that it will increase to cyber-space infidelity as well as physical unfaithfulness. I pray he gets help before this deterioration.
What should you do?
1. Confront your “Friends” and ask her to desist from flirting with your husband
2. Ask your husband to stop flirting with women
3. Ask him for a justification for sending pictures of his private part
4. Have an open discussion on any problems in the marriage
5. Seek professional help
6. Pray and ask God to change your husband and to heal your marriage.
I pray that things will work out for you, stay strong, keep faithful, may God grant you the desires of your heart according to His riches in Christ Jesus. Be blessed.
Dr. Smith
Additional Questions that have been asked and answered:
| 154. I feel so upset right now... |
| 153. I am in love with a young lady but married another |
| 152. Stealing and Lying |
| 151. I am having in-law problems |
| 150. I supported him when he had nothing |
| 149. She sees nothing wrong in dancing at her wedding |
| 148. When I'm angry I turn to sex |
| 147. I'm having an affair with another... |
| 146. She is very controlling and... |
| 145. I love fondling breasts |
| 04--Divorcee looking to share life, can I remarry? |
| 144. I'm hating life more and more each day |
| 143. It keeps haunting me. What can I do? |
| 142. She discovers an incestuous relationship between her husband and their... |
| 141. I was going to commit suicide today... |
| 22 -- Starting a relationship with someone who has four children |
| 140. Can you help me with these troubling questions? |
| 139. Is it cheating if a husband masturbates to porn or... |
| 138. I am infatuated with my own maternal sister |
| 137. For 4 yrs. porn has been crawling all over me |
| 136. I am 27 and he is 44, Is it wise to get involved.. |
| 135. Am I selfish in asking God for a man? |
| 134. My marriage is going through a rough patch... do I stay or go? |
| 133. Why won't the Lord remove the desire and attraction for women? |
| 132. Due to his cheating, lies and.. |
| 131. I suffered emotional pain due to... |
| 116. How relevant is the message of chastity to young people in this post-modern age? |
| 130. He also revealed that he got the other wife pregnant while visiting her |
| 54 - I love women with big breasts |
| 129. How do you stop worrying, I worry about... |
| 128. When I watched porn I love it, but I feel dirty when I'm done and... |
| 127. yet she is peeping into every crevasses of my life |
| 31- Was he to be blamed for having had two wives? |
| 126. In my dreams I hang out with other men and “forget” that I am married |
| 125. If he was the one that took off the protection does he have the right to refuse...? |
| 124 Don't understand husband's funny behavior... |
| 123. He is texting his private part to ladies... |
| 122. As a result, I am messed up badly, what can I do? |
| 121. I am separated from that jerk and it's killing me |
| 120. Why are people making women equal to men? |
| 80 -- I will jump in front of a train for you |
| 119. Our parents think we are not ready to date |
| 118. How do you deal with people who are difficult, selfish and arrogant? |
| 117. I am feeling lonely, depressed and miserable. What can I do? |
| 115. I am seriously thinking of ending this marriage |
| 114. Should I marry someone as much as 10yrs older, I love older men |
| 113. Neither my first nor my second husband would do intercourse |
| 112. Does it make sense to stay or should I leave...? |
| 111. Before believing, I had several wives, but now... |
| 110 I really struggled with pornography and... |
| 109 My husband holds to the verse "wives listen to your husband" - <br/> |
| 108 My husband confessed to me that he was bi-sexual - <br/> |
| 107 If I try to express myself, it turns into an argument - <br/> |
| 106 Should I marry her or leave her? - <br/> |
| 105 My loving wife has had 3 affairs... - <br/> |
| 104 If a husband abuses his wife, withholds sex, commits adultery... - <br/> |
| 103. I have been married for less than a year, but... - <br/> |
| 102 Txxx is somebody whom I love very much - <br/> |
| 101b. It is either you "masturbate or commit fornication. - <br/> |
| 101a. Is it a sin to masturbate? - <br/> |
| 100. Is it right for my fiancee to support his ex-girlfriend financially? - <br/> |
| 96 If I had to make a choice between becoming a prostitute and staying a Christian - <br/> |
| 97 I am not happy with myself and feel I've let everyone down - <br/> |
| 99 I missed the intimacy. I need male companionship - <br/> |
| 98. Is Jealousy a delusional disorder? Isn't God jealous of us and would that make Him...? - <br/> |
| 95-- I am having difficulty being judgmental and finding fault - <br/> |
| 93 -- How does one handle being lonely in a crowd? - <br/> |
| 77 -- We want to have a baby but we are not married. |
| 45 - My husband fondled my daughter as a young girl |
| 94 -- What are some of the things I should know before deciding to get married? - <br/> |
| 92-- Regarding that rejection question I have a question... - <br/> |
| 91-- How do you handle rejection and get over a broken relationship? - <br/> |
| 89-- I have a rebellious friend, should I break the friendship...? |
| 90-- What’s wrong with kissing, fondling, necking, etc., before marriage? - <br/> |
| 75 --What do you do if both parties agreed they married the worng person? |
| 88 -- I am not married, can I get pregnant to save my...? |
| 87 -- If marijuana is legalized in some places, what could be so wrong in using it? |
| 86 -I found out that one parent is unfaithful, should I tell the other? |
| 84 --His sleeping out and his cheating affected me less than... |
| 85 -- What's worng with rock, hip-hop, rap, etc., Music? |
| 83 -- Should a young lady give her telephone number to a guy she meets the first time? |
| 82 --After you are with a boy and he does bad things |
| 81 -- I am angry, resentful and bitter. |
| 79 -- She is six (6) years old and her father molested her |
| 78 -- Let's agree to disagree, is this attitude healthy to a marriage? |
| 76 -- I can forgive my husband but... |
| 74 -- Is Mental illness like schizophrenia a demon possession? |
| 73 -- I feel I rushed into marriage and did not wait on God |
| 72 -- Is there a time when Divorce is the best resolve? |
| 71 -- I have not found such great faith, no not even in "Israel" (the Church) |
| 70 -- Is it good for husband and wife to take a break from each other? |
| 47 - How can a married Christian overcome being in love with someone else? |
| 69 -- My boyfriend gave me 6 mths. ultimatum for marriage |
| 68 -- Please help me, I hate sex and I am married, what should I do? |
| 67 b -- A 24-year-old male had sex with a 14-year-old girl (FB responses) |
| 67a - A 24-year-old male had sex with a 14-year-old girl |
| 66 - Is a civil marriage considered...? |
| 59 - How many times a week should a couple have sex and is there any data that go along wi |
| 65. Are men taking longer to get married? If so, why? |
| 42 - Don't worry, because I am artificially inseminated |
| 64. Why are ladies taking longer to get married? |
| 63 - I started watching women and it's grown to watching everything |
| 46 - Will our marriage be condemed by God? |
| 61 - Is it wrong to go to the cinema? |
| 62 - I got into an intimate relationship with a married lady |
| 09 - My marriage is in a downward spiral. Should I count my losses and get a lawyer? |
| 55 - My partner loves to look at porn online |
| 01. My brother and I have not spoken in 2 years... |
| 02 - Mom is miserable in her marriage |
| 03- Should Christian married couples pray before having sex? |
| 08 -How does a Christian woman remain pure, yet be sexually attractive and sensuous? |
| 07 -How may young people avoid getting into relationships that are likely to fail? |
| 05 - Any sex acts that are inappropriate between a husband and a wife? |
| 06 -How do I choose the right partner? |
| 60 - What is your opinion concerning homosexuals? |
| 58 - What are the symptoms of sexual addiction? How can one know? |
| 57 - I wanted to know if masturbation is a good or bad thing? |
| 56 - I disagree with the advice you gave to "Separated Wife" |
| 53 - I've had many issues with him regarding porn, cheating, masturbation, |
| 52 - He keeps wanting me to go and have sex with other men |
| 51 -She is involved with a man who has been divorced twice |
| 50 - So then is jealousy wrong? |
| 49 - Should I wait on him forever or can I divorce him? |
| 48 - What should I do, I am desperate? |
| 44 - I recently find out that my husband is infertile |
| 43 - Is it lawful or unlawful to get married on Sabbath? |
| 41 - As I interpret I Cor 7:10, it leaves room for being separated, or even divorced |
| 40 - As a follow up to my first question on polygamy |
| 39 - I would like to know what the Bible says about second wives! |
| 38 - He and his girlfriend are intimate with each other |
| 37 - Is a bad marriage better than a good divorce? |
| 36. Any "hanky panky" going on? |
| 35 - She had an affair with a friend in the church |
| 34 - Later on in our marriage he started cheating on me |
| 33 - I am the daughter of a highly functional alcoholic |
| 28 - Addicted to Love |
| 32 - He told me yesterday that he is co-dependent |
| 30 - We are courting for 9 years |
| 29 - Is lust between a husband and wife ever wrong? |
| 27 - I would like to make a brief comment on the question of prayer before sex |
| 26 -We are very close intimately and the only thing that is left |
| 25 -I am never happy with the smell that comes even during |
| 24 -I can only resist him so much!!! He always manages to win |
| 23 -We argue all the time, I feel helpless, I don't know what to do |
| 21 -I'm in a relationship with a 26years old guy, who is not a Christian |
| 20 -I recently had a miscarriage, |
| 19 -I would not mind having my in-laws living close to me, but not in my home |
| 18 -Every time I do oral sex with my spouse |
| 17 -I have found it extremely difficult to move beyond my parents' separation |
| 16 -I have met someone and would like to marry her, but |
| 13 -What feelings lead a man an a woman to be in true love? |
| 14 -My spiritual life is decreasing, I've had sex with 3 other men |
| 15 -Should married couples have sex on the Sabbath? |
| 12 -How do you bridge the gap between psychology and spirituality? |
| 11 -What does the Bible and Adventist say about divorce? |
| 10 -How might a couple deal with guilt from their past experiences? |
